I have been meaning to put some things down into words a lot sooner than this, but I have been letting things get in the way. For one, if I put it into words, I have to deal with it. For another, it makes it real and not just a simple thought I have been playing with. I would have to acknowledge it all. It would hold me accountable and responsible for it and it means I will have to finally follow through, which was the whole reason for this blog in the first place. I need to write these things and share them to the void to keep myself better accountable for these little path choices.
This year begins the start of a personal year 8 for me (personal year 8 numerology), and I am already feeling the shift in things. This past year was far more confusing and difficult than I realized and it left me feeling a lot more lost than I have felt in a long time. Looking back there have been a lot of unexpected changes and revelations that made things…well, made them crumble beneath my feet.
In many ways, it was a long time coming. I am the Tower card, after all, and I need to let my own Tower fall down to be rebuilt periodically too. I had felt it coming all along too, yet I started to pretend I didn’t for various reasons. It had been a precarious Tower and stood longer than it should have. I let it continue to stand and was afraid to let it fall. I feared losing what I had known for so long. I feared disappointing others and letting them down. I feared outshining others and leaving them behind in my wake.
In those very statements I must give pause because I realize how often I have let that stop me from pursuing things I have wanted or needed to pursue. Not because anyone has ever truly held me back, but because I am holding myself back and essentially projecting that “me” onto them. It rarely ever was them saying not to do something or anything. It was just me. I trapped myself in between two places of feeling like I would fail and disappoint others and of feeling like I would somehow surpass the and leave them behind.
But distance has helped acknowledge these little patterns of mine. With that distance I cannot continue to quite use the same subconscious excuse and I have to actually recognize what it is. I don’t have the same distractions from them. I can no longer ignore this Tower that must come down. I need to rebuild it’s foundation. So many things were not working before and so many things need to be tossed aside and reworked from scratch.
To see my path and practice as a Tower is sometimes out of place because I am also seeing it as a spiral path. The rebuilding of a Tower image seems far different than an ever wandering spiral image of my path. I haven’t quite reconciled these two images together. I have been wandering so long that I don’t know if the Tower image, as an actual destination on this path is wholly appropriate because I honestly feel like I will continue to wander this path.
Before, it seemed so aimless, so lost. But something changed. It wasn’t a necessarily subtle thing when it came up, but I ignored it until right around the end of December when I was doing a lot of thinking about what I wanted to change about my path and my life in general. Finally, it really seemed to click about the importance of the wandering.
Back in September, around Mabon, there had been a local Pagan Pride Day that my friends went to and they found a ring for me from the spirit that came into my life this past year who turned out to be my soul father. When they gave me the ring, they gave it to me in a little box that said, “Not all who wander are lost,” from that quote in Lord of the Rings about Aragorn. From then on I kept seeing little things about that quote and I had myself bought a little planner charm with the same quote before they had gotten the box for me.
I guess it comes down to the fact that while these past few years I felt like I have been wandering so aimlessly and feeling so lost about it, I really haven’t been lost. There are times when I acknowledge that there is some purpose to the way these things are going aside from my lack of commitment, but then I cycle back to that feeling and think I have been wasting my time and my spirits’ and guides’ time.
But this path, for a long long time, has been about wandering. Wandering a large grand spiral. I even subtitled this blog “A winding path through storm covered flower fields” to indicate that winding, wandering aspect, yet I kept forgetting about it. Kept feeling like my path was somehow less than a direct path or at least knowing my destination.
The idea of the spiral image of my path really struck hard when I picked up a book at work on my break. I had been sitting there the last few weeks of December trying to figure things out. Pieces of the puzzle with things regarding R kept slipping away as I misinterpreted some of the messages I got from him. I finally had a moment where something made sense and I could see how I put the wrong pieces where. I shifted my focus and began playing around with the idea of pursuing something far different in my path from what I had been. This book then stuck out.
Over the years since it all got started, I have been, well I have been searching for that soul’s purpose type thing. What part do I really play in the grand scheme of things. Little pieces here and there from past lives led me to believe one thing, but I am not sure anymore. Something in this book, in its cover and first chapters, got me inspired to really dig deeply again. It showed up at this time when I was contemplating this new path direction.
The book is called Find Your Soul’s Purpose by Janet Conner. The first introductory pages were so, uplifting and inspiring that I immediately ran back out on my break to purchase it. I also ended up buying some chocolates too that have these little peel back cards that reveal a type of endangered bug species and the two I got were both damselflies. I knew then, that this was something I needed and that R approved (since damselflies are pretty damn close to dragonflies).
The author talks about and frames her book with the idea of walking and taking loops around a spiral path. There are seven loops you take in the book to discover who you are and what your purpose is and I am loving this book. Those first few pages in and of themselves got me inspired and pumped to rework what I have been doing. To deconstruct that tower and rebuild my practice to be able to truly walk with conscious intention the life and purpose I am meant to walk.
This book isn’t the only one that has been added to my read through list this year. I decided, when playing around with this new path focus, that I needed to work on a “year-and-a-day” type study plan again. Now, anyone who has followed me for a bit probably does know that I am not Wiccan, but when I started down my pagan path, I started looking at Wicca and I always did enjoy the year-and-a-day study plan model so I like to incorporate still.
Over the years, especially when I first started, I read Christopher Penczak’s Temple of Witchcraft series and I really enjoy his writing and style. I used his Shamanic Temple book to guide me during shadow work things. With recent things I considered pulling up some of his other Temple books and continuing reading them. To be honest, I almost skipped the Temple of High Witchcraft because originally the concept of working with the Qaballistic Tree of Life wasn’t quite appealing to me, however I felt that if I skipped it I would be missing something. The interesting thing is there have been little signs at work that I should spend some time learning about it and I may pick up another book later about it since so far it is proving to be very interesting.
The biggest thing so far that I realized that will help with my path, is that the second lesson of the book talks about the sphere of Malkuth and how the lesson is supposed to be discipline. Reading that bit really got me because that is what I have been really missing in my practice. Actual dedication and discipline to doing daily small rituals like meditation. It just hit the hammer home about what I need to do this year on top of everything else.
I think this post is getting longer than I intended, but I haven’t written in so long that I am glad I am doing it. I need to write it out. Again, because it holds me accountable for it all. It helps me declutter this head of mine.
You have seen me hint multiple times about a new focus my path is taking, yet I haven’t said exactly what it is. I suppose I should now. 🙂
There has been something calling me to this for awhile. I can look back and see little pieces here and there throughout the years that show it too. I don’t know yet fully if it is calling me because it is something I need or something others need. This world needs so much healing that it honestly makes me think it is something for others just as much as for me. Healing comes in many forms, and sometimes it isn’t pleasant and requires things that do not serve us to be destroyed
the tower. It sometimes requires something to facilitate that destruction and healing (post).
I feel that this path is calling me to play a role of a priestess more fully. I don’t know yet what all that will really mean. I don’t know if it will go where I suspect it is going to go. I don’t know how it will manifest and change things for my life. But right now, it feels right. It is strange that it feels right, but it does. So many past lives of mine have seem so contradictory to this, but yet somehow it is resonating with me.
I have avoided being overly devoted to my deities because the supplication that seemed implied by that devotion didn’t seem to fit me. I am not a very pious person. I have always been much more of the rogue-type with snark up my sleeve. Yet, something in the devotion of a priestess, nuns, and other very devoted spiritual people has been something I have admired over the years. It is something I have been recently reaching toward.
Perhaps it is the faith and hope that is appealing me. To give up and let go of control to Them. To actually let Them fully guide my life. But I don’t really know. Something has been missing in my practice and perhaps it is this sort of devotion.
That is one thing I see a priestess as being, someone fully devoted to their god or gods. But there is much much more to them, I know. This next year or so will let that package of what it is fully unfold. This year is about exploring what it is and whether it will be the actual path I pursue in the long run. This first “year” is about discerning whether this is my calling. It will be my year as essentially an aspirant and postulant. Those terms, while borrowed from the phases aspiring nuns goes through, seem very fitting.
We will see how this progresses. I have quite a few things on my to-do list not only for my spiritual path, but also for my general mundane life. There will be crossover I am sure as I have been wanting things to be a little more enmeshed rather than separated from each other.
But a new year, new me type thing. A time for me to “become” that which I am meant to be.