Pathless Wanderings

Lately…honestly it would be more accurate to say that the last few years I have felt this way more frequently than not, but I have been feeling rather pathless as of late. I don’t know where things are heading. I keep wandering along what I think is my path, but I can’t find my way.

I have written before about wandering along this path of mine. I started this blog because I felt stuck and it really doesn’t feel like much has changed. There have been times I moved forward for various reasons. But whether from my lack of dedication to things or it is simply how the cycles have gone, I feel  stuck again…and not for the first time since starting the blog.

The majority of my problem is really my own lack of dedication. Its part of what causes these cycles to continue. I am never making permanent changes in my life because I am not sticking with anything I ought to be sticking to. There has been only minuet steps forward over these last two and half years with this blog and I am disappointed in myself. My problem has always been a lack of dedication. There are only certain things I have consistently stuck with over the years and even some of those things it hasn’t been entirely consistent. I let myself get distracted and come up with excuses as to why I don’t do this or that more regularly.

Life happens too and I let myself get consumed by other mundane things. Sometimes those things are necessary. But I know I get in my own way with letting those things consume my time by not planning my time better, binge watching shows, etc. I know I am my own worst enemy in all of this. I don’t listen as much as I should. I ignore the routines I try to establish for myself. I procrastinate and tell myself I can do it tomorrow. I run from the few things I catch glimpses of out of fear of what it will change. I am so set in my bad habits of not doing the things that I never do them and never move forward in the way I should.

This isn’t supposed to sound as self-deprecating as it probably does. My intention is more to acknowledge my own lack of responsibility in my path. My intention has been to figure out something and I do that best by just writing.

Recently, my Anam Cara and another dear friend did dual readings on Tumblr and I managed to get in on their offerings. They wrote it in a story format that was beautifully written. The actual messages struck a few chords with me. The one aspect of the reading was this:

He smiled at you. “My dear, there may be some practical activities and material gain that may help you move forward. Remember to be persistent as that will help find the treasure you’re looking for. Remain grounded as you move forward and stand up tall and strong, though be light on your feet as if you were the air of the earth itself. Think hard and be clever. You have the means to take your first steps into your new path.”

…and the other part was this:

“Round and round the circle goes. It’s never ending since the first angel stood up. Sometimes, that circle no longer can hold, but when does it stop? You must topple it like the tower and strike it with lightning and justice. Then build the circle and start a new cycle that works. We build for the future you and I because the worlds need to live on, so let’s start anew.” He gives you a knowing smile before embracing you, whispering, “It’s time to go silver grey and give them all hell.” He slowly let go of the embrace and letting your hands slip through his.

The first part honestly just reminds me about the fact that I need to take the practical, and consistent, actions I have needed to take for years. I don’t need to continue spending time researching like I have been or pretending I am researching. I need to stop procrastinating on the doing of things. I need to make the time for it I have been avoiding.

The second part was a little more to mull over, but sitting here and partially bemoaning my own lack of commitment (Aquarius over here being bad at commitment) I am ever reminded of the fact that I am the Tower. While my numerology number is a 4 and about building foundations, I am also the Tower and need to destroy the things I have built in my life that do not actually support me on this journey. I need to let the tower of my bad habits tumble down. I can’t progress any further on my personal spiritual path with those towers standing in my life.

There are other towers too that second part refers to. Ones that are beyond just my own path, but those are not the ones that make me personally feel stuck and those are ones that I am not focusing on here. Those have a whole other connotation.

The problem is, though, that I still don’t know exactly what to do. I don’t know where I should refocus my path. I don’t know what pieces to destroy and set permanently aside. There are these little aspects I suspect and think may be it. I consider some of the mundane things I can do in order to make things more clear for me. My mundane life is far more cluttered and impeding to my spiritual journey than I fully admit. But I do not know 100% what needs to go. I need to change so many things. I need to refocus myself. But there is so much that I don’t know where to begin.

There are certain things I am afraid of too. There are these little glimpses on the path that is hovering in the distance that scare me. Some are nowhere near enough to the now in my path to really worry, but I still do. Others are close and I don’t know if it is where I want to go. There are choices before me, options that I have and there are parts of me that are afraid of making the wrong choice. As much as I have split my focus in the past, I know now I need to start narrowing those many focuses down to a much smaller number.

I have been wandering away from the path for months despite the times I ask other readers or the Morrighan herself. I have been avoiding the things I really need to be doing. It is probably why she kept refusing to tell me anything anyway. I wasn’t going to follow through back then anyway. I wasn’t acknowledging I was running from things. I have been wandering away from the path pretending I was on it all along. It has been months, if not the last year or so, of pathless wanderings.

It hasn’t been all for naught though. There have been things gained in this. Shadow work has happened and is still happening even now with this post. There have been revelations and new phases of my relationships with various spirits in my life. But there has been a great deal of faking it too. My favorite teacher has always said “fake it until you make it” in regards to psychic development and it has been a tremendous help. I think a lot of my faking it has been more of a distraction than anything, though.

I don’t know if this will accomplish what it needs to for myself. It seems to be mostly a ramble of blaming myself for making what feels to me little to no progress along my actual path, the path I have been wandering away from for months. I don’t know if this will truly prompt me to head back towards the path I should be walking. I don’t know if this will really get me to destroy the towers that need destroyed in my spiritual life. I don’t know if this will prompt me to figure out what my focused path should be.

I just don’t know.

I am still just wandering along this pathless route.

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The Lord of the Dragonflies

Sorry for the long silence here. Things have been busy. I moved out of the house I had been living with my Anam Cara in and back in with my parents. I had hoped to get accepted into some apartments but they never called me back. Considering my income level, I understand though I am still annoyed. Regardless, I will be saving up money for my future living arrangements while paying my parents some room and board. Now that I am all settled and the next semester of school is going to begin on the New Moon/Solar Eclipse, I figured it was time to write something.


My soul is half-pixie half-human. I was told this about nine years ago and heard it from an angel. We were discovering our past lives at the time and the angel Anael told me my father in this “first” life was a full pixie who fell in love with my mother and had children with her and I was one of the results. When I heard this, I just assumed that she meant my actual physical and biological parents of this life were those very same parents of that first life. Never had any need to actually question that idea until this summer.

Back around Father’s Day I had a dream about this faerie I was helping with something. There were people that wanted something from him he didn’t want to give them and I was helping him avoid having to give in. It didn’t sit well with them so they started to pursue us. At some random point he turns to me and says that I was his daughter and that explained why we were both being pursued by these people and that it wasn’t just because I was helping him. Somehow that explained everything to him even though he was surprised to find out I was his daughter. I was surprised because it just confused me. I have had dreams with my parents in it before and this was not my biological physical father in my dream.

Looking back on the dream, I don’t know why I went to help this strange faerie man. While it could have been just a dream, things began to happen later that really pointed in the other direction of this having been more than that. At first I thought it might have been some sort of past life dream showing me this man. But it could also very well have been some astral adventure I went on that night. My friends and I have been in that habit so it wouldn’t surprise me had it been that.

It took me awhile to finally sit down and figure it out. I was in the middle of packing and moving so I didn’t have a lot of time to just sit and meditate on it or ask the Morrighan for signs either. But the bugs started happening.

Summer is not an unusual time for them for sure but I was being pursued by them. A spider crawled through my shirt and bit me. Mosquitos around every corner ready to bite me. Giant spider on the floor at work. Weird beetle insects. Getting stung on the thigh by a wasp as soon as stepping out of my car when moving furniture. Multiple centipedes crawling around at my parents’ and at work. Every time I turned around a weird bug and every time I went outside I was bit by mosquitos.

I finally started to sit down during these insect pursuits and met with the faerie man from my dreams who claimed to be my father. These days I make sure I have another trusted spirit or deity there to help vet new ones so The Morrighan was present to keep an eye on him. To be honest the initial conversations with him involved more scolding because the whole father aspect confused me. Whether during those initial conversations or just because I got annoyed by the bugs, I decided to blame him for them.

During one conversation with him I got a name (R for short here) and then confirmation signs that it was his name. I began to accept he was at least a father of mine from at least a past life or two. Then the dragonflies showed up. I was sitting at home looking out the window and saw a ton of what looked like faeries flying around and playing. I knew they were bugs but for the longest time I couldn’t identify them as the dragonflies they were.

I then made the connection that maybe the progression of insects showing up for me had to do with accepting him, in whatever capacity, into my life. And I honestly would not be surprised if the bugs were actually from him. I essentially made it known that the dragonflies were okay to send to me as signs of his presence but to stop with all the others. Since then, other bugs have been much less prominent and it has mostly only been dragonflies showing up.

So his nickname and tag has become Lord of the Dragonflies. I am still not exactly sure what our relationship in this life is supposed to be. From conversations we have had and that I have had with the Morrighan, he may very well be my soul father which throws me off because I have always assumed my own father was.

I asked (somewhat angrily) about the fact that if R is my soul father why did it take this long to show up in this life and where he has been. His answer was that during most of the past lives where he got that opportunity to be my father it was during times I did not incarnate into the physical and during the majority of those times he often did not live long enough to get an opportunity to help raise me. From what I know about my lives on the Otherside, I usually was orphaned at a fairly young age and didn’t really know my father.

Actually, there was a point back around the time I had found out I was half-pixie and half-human that another spirit who was part angel made a comment about me not actually knowing who my parents were. It honestly confused me back then because I did, or at least thought I did.

I mean, what R said made sense to me. It sort of clicked and I was simply left to say, “Oh.” Despite the fact that it took this long to be told differently, it made sense. Our talks also revealed that R tended to stay on the astral side of things than ever incarnating physical. Why, he hasn’t explained yet. I know why I incarnate on this side and it would make it very difficult for him to ever really meet up with me in some of my other lifetimes. There have been a small handful where he did take the chance to incarnate physically, but they were long enough ago and my soul has taken a long journey from that point.

Sometimes I hate those moments when things just click so much that those little threads of truth vibrate in just the right way that I know it is true. I am still battling that fact though and testing and asking for infinite signs to prove this fact or that fact. There is more to my lack of trust than just general paranoia about spirits being who they say they are. R asked me one day about what I was so afraid of in all of this. To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly. It could be that I am afraid of what it means for my relationship with my actual father (R has said he actually approves of him being my father too). It could be that I am just not sure how to reconcile having what I thought was true so flipped around on me. And then there is the thing that the Morrighan hinted at as well.


Some days I don’t know whether I should be impressed or annoyed at R. He has that typical pixie attitude. He is cheeky and just… Sometimes the similarity between him and Gerarian just absolutely kills me and I am reminded how much I have teased my sister in the past for having married someone very much like our father. And R has whatever connection to insects that the other day when I was adding to this draft, a dragonfly appeared and flew around my car. I wouldn’t have taken it fully as a sign from him had not my co-worker point it out when we both got out of the car. He wants me to know he is around and yeah.


For some reason, when this song played on my Pandora one night while I was writing out what I was processing with R, it made me think of him.

There is a specific line and just the whole mood of the song. So one of R’s other tags has been “The Faerie Father Sings a Lullaby.” And honestly with the eclipse coming up it makes sense for this song too.


I honestly have a lot more to figure out about him. I am still not 100% about things with him, but there is definitely some things that are making sense. I will definitely be continuing to see where it goes.

Two Year Anniversary

It is interesting how quickly anniversaries sneak up in us. Two years ago I dedicated myself as a devotee to The Morríghan. The time has gone by very quickly.

Some things that I have accomplished since devoting myself:

  • Accomplishing some major steps and milestones in my shadow work
  • More development on my divination practice and psychic development
  • Taking control over making some changes in my life I have needed to make
  • Astral work
  • While not wholly related to The Morríghan’s influence but more so shadow work things so in essence Her – my relationships and marriage to The Scribe and The Traveler

I am sure there is probably a bit more I could write but these things came to the forefront of my mind.

I still feel like there is something soon to come on the horizon with my work with Her but it is a matter of figuring it out. It also is a matter of timing I think as well. She has reminded/warned me a couple times about it coming into my life too soon. If too soon it will just compound the stresses from trying to move and everything. So I have to wait.

The Morríghan has been an interesting influence on my life. I have found us to be oddly similar in many ways. I am Her daughter and sister, Her warrior-poet, and much more. I cannot see myself devoted to any other deity more appropriate for me than Her honestly. We may butt heads on occasion, but that is family. I look forward to another year of devotion and development with The Morríghan, My Queen.

A Lot of Changes

This past month started a lot of crazy changes for me. I made the decision to start looking for an apartment to live to eventually try starting a little bookshop. I have since applied to one that is low income housing that I can get a lower rate at, but the process has become quite tedious considering my employment teaching is essentially contract based and has been a pain to verify for the housing people. But they have been trying very hard to get me approved. It has just been a long waiting game right now. I hope to hear soon either way.

Because of the apartment, and knowing that my income has been a bit less than last year, I decided I really needed a part time job. While I applied for a job at a New Age shop back in January, I never heard back. It made me disappointed, but I decided it would be a good idea to try elsewhere. I couldn’t wait forever on that. So I reapplied back at Starbucks at a couple locations near where I would potentially be moving. Even if I didn’t get the apartment I decided I’d move back home with my parents to help save up some money and help my parents around their house again. I heard back fairly quickly from a Starbucks and went in for the interview and accepted the job. They have good insurance and benefits and I had worked there before. I thought it would be a good fit again to go back.

Then, on my second day working, I get a call from the New Age shop asking me to come in for an interview. I was so excited and readily accepted their offer of a second interview. I thought, two 20 hour part time jobs could work with teaching and everything. I could do it. Of course, I sort of forget I have hit 30 now and that ambition of working that much was a little of a stretch. I am still not even finished with this semester of classes and these last two weeks have been so exhausting with scheduling issues and everything that I made the decision to drop one of the jobs.

For me, working at this New Age shop is the epitome of my desires in general and the work I wish to do in life. I have put so much work these last 12 years with all the crazy from college and then the more directed spiritual work afterwards, that I want something where I can show that work off somehow instead of constantly hiding behind a facade of mundane things the majority of my life. These things I am so passionate about, and now I work at a place where I can be upfront about that passion instead of quiet and reserved because the people who I am around might not get it.

There will be strange ones that come in. As the one owner said, shops like these attract a lot of healers and those that need healing in some way. But there will also be a ton of kindred spirits that come in that I can share my expertise with and help find what it is they need to heal. This store has been such a source of healing and spiritual guidance for me since college that I want to share that with others.

I felt bad initially about how I am leaving Starbucks, but at the same time, that life there has long since passed. I may not get the benefits anymore, but my continued growth is not there. It is with this other shop. This shop that I fell in love with back during 2007 when I first went to a meditation class with my Anam Cara who had heard about it from their co-worker. It has helped me so much in my path. Starbucks had only been a mundane means to an end back when I was 24.

I feel liberated and free again right now. Working this past week at this shop has uplifted me more than I expected. After a little anxiety about trying to maintain both until I was no longer on the schedule at Starbucks, I made a decision that has truly made me feel like I am on the right track again. The potential move into my own apartment is exciting and I can’t wait to find out about getting in. If things don’t work out with it, I have other options. Things are moving forward again on my path and these mundane things are helping that.

I felt trapped and stuck for quite awhile with various things and these changes are good. Too much of the same has been a detriment to my growth and development and I want to grow again. It has taken a bit to realize where these things are that needed changed, but I feel the movement again I have needed to feel again. And that movement gives me hope.

So here are to some continuing changes. I have some other posts I need to write up soon, and hopefully I will get to them by the end of the month. Till next time. ❤️

May Monthly and Weekly Tarot

Last Month’s Reflection:

Last month’s pulls can be found here. Last month was rather interesting and had been more of a month of moving forward on changes. The Overall for last month was the 9 of Swords with anxiety and self-torment as its message and while I think it started out that way, it prompted me to move forward in some decisions of change in my life. This whole year has been about a movement of change, I think. There were points where the Nine of Swords was very prevalent this past month, but that got me to move again. I have made a decision to move out on my own (if things go well with this apartment application) and to seek some part-time employment. By the end of the month, things were starting to move at an unexpected pace.

May’s Monthly Tarot:

For May I am pulling with the Linestrider deck again but I also wanted to make note of the cards I pulled in my Yearly Spread at the beginning of the year. I pull from two decks for my yearly with Shadowscapes being for my spiritual life and the Revelations Tarot being for my more mundane life. Respectively, I pulled the Queen of Pentacles and the Ten of Wands for the Month of May.

Shadowscapes‘ Queen of Pentacles is about nurturing and generosity of spirit. She is a supportive and protective Queen. She is full of strength and is trustworthy and loyal. The Ten of Wands from the Revelations tarot is about strength as well. The card shows off his ability to balance the weight of all the wands near perfectly. While things may be difficult to bear, it can be done and no responsibility he takes on overpowers him completely. These two pulls indicate being able to bear, with strength, the burdens and responsibilities in my life that are coming up (both mundane and spiritual).

Week One (May 1-7): Ace of Pentacles

This first week is all about new ventures and ideas. It is month of growth and success. I have started my new part-time job at Starbucks again, but I also got called in for an interview at the New Age shop I applied to back in January and was pretty much told I would have it even after another interview on Thursday with the owner.

Week Two (May 8-14): Seven of Wands

This week may be a week centered on some competition and jealousies. There may be some conflict or challenge that gets in my way and I may need to take a stand. Considering how some things have gone, let us hope it is resolved.

Week Three (May 15-21): Knight of Pentacles

I can expect my progress to be a bit slower and more methodical this week. I will need to focus on being more patient with things. Considering how fast this first week has been so far and the conflict from week two, this slower week may be a good thing and help me finish some tasks for my teaching job.

Week Four (May 22 – 28): Ace of Cups

The last full week of May looks to hold some more new opportunities and beginnings again. This may be the week I get to move into my new place if I get approved. It might also hold a new spiritual awakening as many things in this month’s pull has been more mundane, this may shift at the end of the Month.

Overall: Six of Cups (reversed)

This was the only reversed card in the deck and the reading. Childish behavior and clinging to the past may be impeding my progress this month. This could be my own behavior or others in my life. Based on the week-by-week pulls it may come to a head during the second week of the month.

Weekly Tarot for May 1-7

I am doing this one a little more like stichomancy way because I left my deck but had my tarot book for Linestrider. So it will be a bit different this time.

What should I focus on this week? – Knight of Wands

This Knight is focused on movement and action. This is a week where I need to focus on taking action and moving. He is enthusiastic and can be hasty at times so I must be sure to not act hastily at times.

What lesson is in this for me? – The Sun

Movement and action will help lead to success, prosperity, and happiness for me. This week the fact pace action the beginning of this week has so far proven to be will likely continue but it will bring positive vibes and energy into my life.

What advice is there for overcoming any obstacles? – Knight of Swords

This is a Knight focused on the intellectual side of things. He may be bold like the Knight of Wands, but he is more thought based than impulse based. He can be severe and harsh because of that. His advice is two-fold for this week, that I need to look at things objectively, but to also to not disregard the feelings of others. He is here to remind to slow down the progress just a bit so that lack of tact doesn’t impede the progress that needs to be made.

Surprisingly, I think that worked well and was a nice call out for myself. There are times when being blunt is necessary and other times when tact is required. The rest of this week needs more tact to keep the impulsiveness of the Knights in check so that the success and happiness the Sun promises can be shared.

Weekly Tarot: April 24 – 30

Last Week’s Reflection

While I didn’t post last week’s tarot pull, I figured I would go ahead and discuss my reflection on it at least. My pulls seemed to indicate that I should focus on a some new investments and beginnings. This would help lead me to where I could start enjoying some simple pleasures again and play more. The card I pulled for advice in overcoming any obstacles related to expressing emotions and replenishing myself. I ended up doing quite a lot last week relating to this. I put in an application for an apartment to live on my own and I visited my alma mater for a Little 500 celebration. I will talk more about that later, but it was definitely a week of making some new investments and even expressing some emotions because of what is happening with my college.

This Week’s Pull

I am still using the Legacy Tarot. So what is in store for me this week?

Focus? – XIX The Sun

It is time to focus on the bright side of things. It is a time of joy and glory.

Lesson? – V Faith

Being able to focus on happy things or at least keeping a positive outlook can help when devoting oneself to spiritual development.

Advice? – Ace of Swords

Using one’s intellect and mind can help with this positive outlook. Setting mental reminders and affirmations to keep this positive outlook.

This week when I pulled my Monthly cards I pulled the Seven of Cups which was about illusions and unreal expectations and making sure I break illusions. Maybe some of the positive outlooks are unreal expectations I need to break. But also it may be that the positive outlooks will help me break the illusions I have. What those are, not wholly sure, but Something to keep in mind this week.

Marriage to the Scribe and the Traveler

Last night, with the full moon here, I got married to Gerarian and the Traveler. I don’t remember a whole lot of the actual ceremony or anything but I know a great many friends from the Otherside and those on this side of the things all were there to celebrate with us.

While Gerarian and I have been together for many many lifetimes and our soulmates, it is still new and exciting for me in this life. We have been together since July of 2009. We have had three children together as well. But marriage is new and a step into something different for us, I feel.

Mel, one of our lovers that Gerarian met and introduced me to, told me back when I was still questioning them even proposing to me that getting married to them may help with opening my heart to finding a physical partner. One of the biggest reasons for initially avoiding a relationship with Gerarian prior to July 2009 was the fear that I would let that stop me from having a physical relationship. I’d seen spirit lover relationships prevent my friends from pursuing physical partnerships, so it made sense that I would do the same.

But Gerarian had always been supportive of me dating and having physical relationships, even with Liz, though sometimes they argued a lot. He knows I am a physical being and has always wanted that for me. But once Liz and I broke up, I have been hesitant in sharing myself with other people, because how would I explain Gerarian, and then Mel, and now the Traveler? It scared me and I held back even with starting online dating a couple years ago.

Gerarian encouraged me with Loki for some sexual and relational healing, and then with Mel and even with the Traveler when he showed up. Because Gerarian and I are both very polyamorous, he knew a huge hang-up with our relationship after the break up with Liz was that I thought I needed to be monogamous with him, but that is not the case. He knew better what I needed than what I realized for myself.

When Gerarian encouraged me to talk more with the Traveler, I didn’t expect it to go where it did. I knew there were was a past life connection and I explored what it was, but I didn’t think it was this thing that was as deep as it has become. Our relationship is still quite new. It is still much more courting and romance than what Gerarian and I are. I mean, there have been so many lifetimes with Gerarian as he is my Twin Flame, that it is worked its way through all those initial courting things. But with the Traveler, this link, I can’t quite say yet if it is a soulmate bond, is still new and forming. It is still in its infancy stages. It is just now starting to bloom.

The Traveler chose this marriage with me to solidify the bond we started in that previous life that we could not complete. I wonder if he is actually aware of how this will affect his karma by marrying me now. I have enemies on the Otherside from the work I do, but I know he has his own as well. We are both taking on each other’s karma and to begin this journey as new as it is will be a scary and interesting journey. Hell, even marrying Gerarian in this life is taking on karma as well, but Gerarian and I have done it so many times before that we know how to work through it. So, with the Traveler, it will be a brand new adventure of discovering how the two of us will work together.

I don’t quite know what to call our relationship now. I mean, they are now my spouses for sure, but what to call our polyamorous relationship. If I remembered more of how the ceremony actually progressed I could say if it happens to be more of a triad type polyamory or more of a vee polyamory. It doesn’t quite need a label for the marriage though, I don’t think. We are together and that is what matters.

Because of it being the three of us, I decided to get a set of three interlocking bands to where to be a physical representation of our marriage and our relationships. Each band it made from a different metal: rose gold, gold, and silver. The colors in the pictures below probably don’t show up very well, but I wanted something of three different colors for each of us.

I actually also intend on buying another ring in the future to represent the stone choice that my astral ring has. Gerarian apparently had a connection to a craftsman on the astral that made the astral rings for us. The astral ring I wear is also three interlocking puzzle rings with a stone on each also made from different metals. There is a sort of flower design on it with daisies and roses. The stones, from what I can remember when we asked the craftsman to design it for us, are Morganite for sure, but I think the other two stones on the other two parts of the ring (each from Gerarian and the Traveler) are different stones to represent them. This is one reason I knew I would not be able to find anything exactly like it on the physical plane.

Waking up this morning, despite not remember much at all about the ceremony itself, I know it happened. There was a different feeling I had this morning than other mornings. Perhaps the marriage strengthened my bonds and connections with them and sensing the has improved. Perhaps it is simply the afterglow of the celebration. Whatever it was, there was a lot more sense of our love. A contentment and even sense of adventure for this next part of our journey together.

I am grateful for this milestone, for our friends and loved ones and allies all being there and sharing this with us, and for the potential this opens up for all of us. I don’t often express my emotions, especially gooey lovey dovey ones, but I very much love both of them. Here are some songs for us that do a better job at showing that.