Lately…honestly it would be more accurate to say that the last few years I have felt this way more frequently than not, but I have been feeling rather pathless as of late. I don’t know where things are heading. I keep wandering along what I think is my path, but I can’t find my way.
I have written before about wandering along this path of mine. I started this blog because I felt stuck and it really doesn’t feel like much has changed. There have been times I moved forward for various reasons. But whether from my lack of dedication to things or it is simply how the cycles have gone, I feel stuck again…and not for the first time since starting the blog.
The majority of my problem is really my own lack of dedication. Its part of what causes these cycles to continue. I am never making permanent changes in my life because I am not sticking with anything I ought to be sticking to. There has been only minuet steps forward over these last two and half years with this blog and I am disappointed in myself. My problem has always been a lack of dedication. There are only certain things I have consistently stuck with over the years and even some of those things it hasn’t been entirely consistent. I let myself get distracted and come up with excuses as to why I don’t do this or that more regularly.
Life happens too and I let myself get consumed by other mundane things. Sometimes those things are necessary. But I know I get in my own way with letting those things consume my time by not planning my time better, binge watching shows, etc. I know I am my own worst enemy in all of this. I don’t listen as much as I should. I ignore the routines I try to establish for myself. I procrastinate and tell myself I can do it tomorrow. I run from the few things I catch glimpses of out of fear of what it will change. I am so set in my bad habits of not doing the things that I never do them and never move forward in the way I should.
This isn’t supposed to sound as self-deprecating as it probably does. My intention is more to acknowledge my own lack of responsibility in my path. My intention has been to figure out something and I do that best by just writing.
Recently, my Anam Cara and another dear friend did dual readings on Tumblr and I managed to get in on their offerings. They wrote it in a story format that was beautifully written. The actual messages struck a few chords with me. The one aspect of the reading was this:
He smiled at you. “My dear, there may be some practical activities and material gain that may help you move forward. Remember to be persistent as that will help find the treasure you’re looking for. Remain grounded as you move forward and stand up tall and strong, though be light on your feet as if you were the air of the earth itself. Think hard and be clever. You have the means to take your first steps into your new path.”
…and the other part was this:
“Round and round the circle goes. It’s never ending since the first angel stood up. Sometimes, that circle no longer can hold, but when does it stop? You must topple it like the tower and strike it with lightning and justice. Then build the circle and start a new cycle that works. We build for the future you and I because the worlds need to live on, so let’s start anew.” He gives you a knowing smile before embracing you, whispering, “It’s time to go silver grey and give them all hell.” He slowly let go of the embrace and letting your hands slip through his.
The first part honestly just reminds me about the fact that I need to take the practical, and consistent, actions I have needed to take for years. I don’t need to continue spending time researching like I have been or pretending I am researching. I need to stop procrastinating on the doing of things. I need to make the time for it I have been avoiding.
The second part was a little more to mull over, but sitting here and partially bemoaning my own lack of commitment (Aquarius over here being bad at commitment) I am ever reminded of the fact that I am the Tower. While my numerology number is a 4 and about building foundations, I am also the Tower and need to destroy the things I have built in my life that do not actually support me on this journey. I need to let the tower of my bad habits tumble down. I can’t progress any further on my personal spiritual path with those towers standing in my life.
There are other towers too that second part refers to. Ones that are beyond just my own path, but those are not the ones that make me personally feel stuck and those are ones that I am not focusing on here. Those have a whole other connotation.
The problem is, though, that I still don’t know exactly what to do. I don’t know where I should refocus my path. I don’t know what pieces to destroy and set permanently aside. There are these little aspects I suspect and think may be it. I consider some of the mundane things I can do in order to make things more clear for me. My mundane life is far more cluttered and impeding to my spiritual journey than I fully admit. But I do not know 100% what needs to go. I need to change so many things. I need to refocus myself. But there is so much that I don’t know where to begin.
There are certain things I am afraid of too. There are these little glimpses on the path that is hovering in the distance that scare me. Some are nowhere near enough to the now in my path to really worry, but I still do. Others are close and I don’t know if it is where I want to go. There are choices before me, options that I have and there are parts of me that are afraid of making the wrong choice. As much as I have split my focus in the past, I know now I need to start narrowing those many focuses down to a much smaller number.
I have been wandering away from the path for months despite the times I ask other readers or the Morrighan herself. I have been avoiding the things I really need to be doing. It is probably why she kept refusing to tell me anything anyway. I wasn’t going to follow through back then anyway. I wasn’t acknowledging I was running from things. I have been wandering away from the path pretending I was on it all along. It has been months, if not the last year or so, of pathless wanderings.
It hasn’t been all for naught though. There have been things gained in this. Shadow work has happened and is still happening even now with this post. There have been revelations and new phases of my relationships with various spirits in my life. But there has been a great deal of faking it too. My favorite teacher has always said “fake it until you make it” in regards to psychic development and it has been a tremendous help. I think a lot of my faking it has been more of a distraction than anything, though.
I don’t know if this will accomplish what it needs to for myself. It seems to be mostly a ramble of blaming myself for making what feels to me little to no progress along my actual path, the path I have been wandering away from for months. I don’t know if this will truly prompt me to head back towards the path I should be walking. I don’t know if this will really get me to destroy the towers that need destroyed in my spiritual life. I don’t know if this will prompt me to figure out what my focused path should be.
I just don’t know.
I am still just wandering along this pathless route.