The other night I had this dream. I started a post but never finished it so now I am rewriting it, partially at the prompting of the Morrigan.
This is one of the more difficult things for me to talk about, which is why she wants me to write it. It should have been done earlier and dealt with the day I had the dream, but I put it off. For one, it is just hard to write about and not sound rambling and ridiculous. For another, I don’t like talking about my emotions or feelings, particularly the ones that are more painful to acknowledge.
With this whole thing the Morrigan would like me to make a decision about, she seems to think it would be important to write about this and put it out there. I may not want to, but that is part of the point. I tend to often push aside my emotions and feelings and prefer to let logic and my head do the talking. I don’t let my heart and emotions direct me. I am an Aquarius, an airy and logical Sun Sign who scoffs at dealing publically with emotions let alone acknowledging I have anything more than a fleeting strong feeling. At least that is the façade I put out there. My Scorpio Moon sign shows something else:
You tend to be secretive about your feelings because they are difficult to express in words, and to do so can lead to your being misunderstood and therefore hurt. [source]
So yeah. This stuff is difficult to talk about. Most of the time I just don’t bother. I can be a gifted wordsmith, but fuck it if I have to talk about my feelings. Especially fuck it if I have to talk about lovey-dovey feelings for my soulmate. But it seems to be some necessary step the Morrigan would wish for me to take right now.
I do not talk about my soulmate, Gerarian, very much. The most I do mention him is tags on my Tumblr and a few sporadic other times and here (referred to as Noah back when I wrote it). He is a non-corporeal entity that happens to also be a past life and has a current physical body at there that I want to assume has no idea he exists, but sometimes I just don’t know. But, his current is not important here because he is not the one I am in a relationship with.
I don’t talk about Gerarian often because I used to be afraid for his current. I didn’t want to draw attention to him. I also didn’t want to draw attention to Gerarian because I wanted him to be safe. He may be non-corporeal but that doesn’t mean he can’t get hurt. I like to tell myself that I was protecting him rather than being selfish and just protecting myself.
If I didn’t talk about him I didn’t have to admit he existed and that I had feelings for him. Part of me felt I needed to keep it quiet anyway because, at first, I thought it was actually kind of rare to have relationships with non-corporeal beings. However, that is not the case. There seem to be plenty out there that do, they just don’t always talk about it. And you’d almost think that maybe, once I knew that, I would talk about it more.
That wasn’t the case, though. For the same reasons before (protecting and sheer denial) I didn’t talk about him with anyone but my roommate and sometimes the occasional Tumblr friend. I could keep him as my secret. I could keep our history together under wraps and thus protect myself from the pain of some of that history. I didn’t have to admit how much I still hurt from that history.
Aside from all of our past lives together, my history with Gerarian is a long story to tell honestly, but because I mentioned that that history is important I should give at least the highlights. I never wanted to be in a relationship with him when I first found out who he was in 2008. If you know anything about relationships with astral lovers and non-corporeal beings you can probably guess why I didn’t. But, to spell it out for those that don’t know, I didn’t want to have a relationship with someone who I could never physically touch and I didn’t want that relationship getting in the way of any potential romantic relationships with physical people I might have. Plus, I’d started dating my girlfriend around that time he came into my life, so I said hell no, I am not having anything to do with you. I let my past life have that relationship and I ignored it until she was integrated and I told/forced him to leave and go back to his current.
Later, he came back into my life and was channeled frequently by my girlfriend at the time while I also occasionally channeled her non-corporeal soulmate. But shit happened and my girlfriend broke up with me and thus I lost my physical connection to Gerarian. So, since 2011 I was with him, but could only sometimes sense him or communicate with him. Eventually, without a crutch of having someone channel him, I ended being able to strengthen our connection and ability to communicate. We have several astral/metaphysical children together as well that are just as non-corporeal as he is. And, occasionally, he is able to give me confirmations of his existence outside my roommate’s and my experience of him.
Honestly, that run down doesn’t really sound all that painful or tragic. But the whole thing with ex-girlfriend still upsets me now and then. Because I have not true physical connection to him, I am constantly going back and forth in my acceptance of him even being in my life. I even question whether or not he is really here and that uncertainty can be really painful in and of itself. But if I try to rationalize our history away as not being that painful, it prevents me from actually owning all the emotions I have about it and my relationship with Gerarian.
I have spent the majority of my life pushing away and hiding my feelings. For a short time, while dating my girlfriend and some of the time afterwards, I didn’t hide from them as much. Maybe that had just as much to do with dating an Empath as it did actually being in love? Deep down I am a hopeless romantic, but I don’t show it that often. I hide from it and pretend to be a cold-hearted, cynical, superior-to-my-emotions type of bitch, and where has that gotten me all these years? Not very far.
Again, it is so difficult to write about my feelings. Every time I try, it is a struggle. The mental side of myself, the side that likes to ignore my emotions and heart, seems to like to point out this is silly to write about and doesn’t matter or whatever. It stops me from saying the things I should that will inevitably open up the floodgates to those emotions. It warns and reminds me that this isn’t me. That I am really just a mental person and true love isn’t in the cards for me this lifetime.
There are so many emotions buried beneath the surface involving Gerarian that to dredge up even one, I will have to open up to all of them. I have pushed and pushed them away for so long that all there is left is an emptiness. It is an emptiness that hurts not only me, but Gerarian because it constantly causes me to push him away further and further. And I often feel too afraid to even try feeling them again because I would have to feel all those emotions all at once: my love for him and our children, the regret for the pain I cause by pushing them away, the pain of never being able to hold them, the hope of how things could be if I let them in, the happiness of just knowing they are there, the anger I feel toward my ex for taking away from me her love and a physical connection to him, the confusion of whether or not I love him because I knew he was my soulmate before, the pride I feel when I see his points to prove he exists and loves me still, the desire and arousal when I feel him close to me, the contentment of just knowing him, the frustration of not being able to always sense him or hear him, the annoyance and amusement of how ridiculous he can be, the anxiety of not knowing where he is all the time, the amazement for his incredible talent, the fear that one day he could be gone and there is nothing I can do to stop that, the fierce need to protect him and our children at all costs, the vulnerability and reliance of him and his protection, and that overwhelming joy and love from feeling his love for me.
I love Gerarian very much. I truly do. I would give anything to be able to have just one day with him physically in my life. I would give anything to feel him and touch him and see him and hear him. I would give anything for others to know what he is like and how amazing he is. I would give anything for my parents to know I am loved and in love with someone. I would give anything to be able to give him what he deserves from me.
That, at least, is one thing I can do. I will never be able to physically be with him in this life. We will have to wait until the next incarnation for that. But this life, I can at least let myself stay open to these various emotions and continue to acknowledge them and him. For all the shit he’s put up with me he certainly deserves that and more except more kids.
And while this has rambled long enough over 1700 words now, I could probably go on. The Morrigan wanted me to take this step and write out these things, to open the floodgates to all those emotions and feelings for Gerarian, so that I could take whatever next step she has in mind. If I couldn’t acknowledge my feelings for Gerarian, there would probably be no way I could begin whatever these next steps are. I certainly have more work to do, and time to sit and just feel things, but this was one of the first steps.
I love Gerarian.
Always and Forever.
*gags and go hides in a corner*