Part 2 is the layout of Gerarian’s history and our history together. This does not cover, by any means, all of our history. I can’t talk about all our past lives together because there are too many of them. This will be long too, so I’ll just do a read more.
During his lifetime, he was born to a fae and a pixie who only slept together because they thought they could never have children. His father left his mother upon finding out and she abandoned him on the steps of a human’s home. He never knew his birth parents. Because of the high pixie/fae metabolism, he was passed around from family to family in the village/city he lived because no one could keep up feeding him during those times with war and famine going on.
Eventually, he left when he was old enough to survive on his own. He lived on the streets for some time stealing and thieving to survive. In his mid-20s was when the army came through his village and as he was attempting to pick-pocket what he could he saw Alyce (my past life) for the first time and became enamored. He proceeded to follow her through the village with the army until one of the army’s scouts caught him and took him to the general.
Upon meeting her, he immediately volunteered to join up and serve in her army, just to be close to Alyce (for whatever reason he was attracted to me). While training, it proved more difficult to place him anywhere within the various ranks. He wasn’t a good swordfighter or magic wielder. He was terrible at healing.
He was then saddled in the scouts and worked with the same scout who caught him in the first place. He was decent at scouting, but his “mentor’s” second role was being a diplomat and during a diplomacy mission he nearly got her killed when he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Upon their return he was berated by Alyce for nearly killing her best friend (and lover). That was the moment he really knew he had fallen for Alyce too.
He was a bit of a creep, too, and watched her constantly from the bushes or behind tents. He couldn’t figure out how to get Alyce’s attention either as she either ignored him and his attempts at engaging her or she berated him again for nearly getting her friend killed. While he had nearly killed Lenni they had also developed a loose friendship so she sought her advice since Lenni and Alyce were lovers.
Lenni had no idea what he was talking about when he asked what she did to win Alyce’s continual affections (note: my past life as Alyce slept around with everyone in the army and rarely had a consistent lover like Lenni who was the only exception at that point in time. He kept asking, but she insisted she had done absolutely nothing to gain Alyce as a lover. He then realized he was the one that had to play hard to get and from then on proceeded to ignore and avoid Alyce. That then caused her to find him very intriguing and she began the chase.
At some point the army general kept trying to leave him places because he was pretty useless in the army. There wasn’t a whole lot he could do, or seemed to do, and since he almost got her chief scout and diplomat killed she wanted to be rid of him. She wouldn’t kill him because she was actually oddly intimidated by him and didn’t think it was possible, particularly after he kept showing up at places before the army got there. She could never figure out how he got there before them, but the answer was Lenni told him because she realized he would be good for Alyce.
He was eventually placed within the ranks of the assassins in the army to serve as a lookout on missions. He became close friends with his partners and even drug one with him to get a ring for Alyce when he decided to propose. Unfortunately, that day never came and when the general died, Alyce, among others, left the army and she was nowhere to be found. He stayed with what remained of the army until his remaining friend died protecting their commander.
After that, he went looking for his old friend Lenni and her husband again knowing that eventually Alyce might show up again and seek out her friend and lover. She did and they eventually made known their affections (Alyce having come to fall for Gerarian because he avoided her so much) for one another and he proposed.
They married and eventually had four children together. The first was a big surprise because, being half-fae half-pixie, he thought he was a sterile mutt and couldn’t get anyone pregnant (also probably had never gotten previous lovers pregnant either to add to this belief). They grew old together and saw their children and grandchildren grown. Alyce died in his arms and he followed shortly thereafter.
As he is a past-life, he ended up waking (what I call the process) sometime around 2001 in his current incarnation. In 2008, he was found by a friend of mine at the time and brought over for a channeling session. What he did between those years is mostly unknown and I don’t really ask either – I’d rather not know if he was sneaking around and creeping on me back then too. Anyway, I did not really want anything to do with him or his current, but decided since my past life Alyce had awoken as well that he and her could be together again for a time before we sent them both off for what we called full integration.
Ironically, during that first channeling session my friend did, it wasn’t Gerarian but his current that was pulled instead. Gerarian didn’t know who was coming and threw his current at my friend to take with her instead of him. We didn’t realize that at first which led to some awkwardness later when I realized it was his current, and not Gerarian, that slapped my ass and knew I was Alyce’s current. Meaning, some part of his current even now, probably on a more subconscious level, knows about me. But I know nothing will ever happen between his current and I.
Anyway, for a few months he was with Alyce form November 14th-ish to January/February of the next school semester before I had Alyce integrated. At that point, because I was dating my girlfriend at the time, I sent him away to his current to integrate, because there was no reason for him and me to be together. Unfortunately, my girlfriend’s soulmate’s past life showed up (brought around by the same “friend” who brought Gerarian around) right after that and she started seeing him as well as me.
While I thought Gerarian had left, apparently he decided to stick around and claimed he “got lost” on his way back. I insisted his friend return him but he came back again and was hanging out with his friends. Now and then he was briefly channeled by our “friend” to show he was still around and said odd things, but I ignored him and insisted I had disowned him as a soulmate anyway.
Later, he told me that the only way he was allowed out around me by our “friend” was if he only said specific things that would “hurt me” basically. One such was saying that he disowned me as his soulmate because I was being really weird at that point, which I had retorted I had done before already. Another time, I believe, had been when I thought someone else was being channeled and I got a weird compliment from him on how I looked, which creeped me out at the time because he was a non-corporeal in a relationship with a friend not me.
Anyway, after we cut ties with said “friends” and had their past lives forcefully integrated, we sent Gerarian away again since his “friends” were now gone and he had no reason to stick around. I believed he integrated at that point in April, but later began to question it.
I began to miss him, strangely enough. I did not really know what it was that made me miss him or realize it but I did. And a bit of PTSD from things from my senior year at school made things more difficult to deal with, including knowing who my soulmate exactly was and knowing I could never be with him (this being before I was able to accept and believe that we have more than one soulmate anyway). But I missed him and felt the ache for him I couldn’t understand.
He showed up again, sneakily at first. He hung around my girlfriend who realized he was there and they talked. She began to let him slip into her skin (or share skin as she sometimes called her channeling of him which he is incredibly good at doing) and text with me now and then. I didn’t know it was him but there would be points when there was something in the text that didn’t seem like my girlfriend. The “*eyebrow waggle*” was one of them.
At one point, before I found out it was him there, I had a discussion about a particular song with him that reminded me of him. One or both of them almost told me then about it, but it wasn’t until I dreamed he was there watching me sleep with his damn sunglasses that she finally told me over an IM chat session.
She led into the conversation fairly easily, asking what I would do if he was around again, and blah blah blah. I think I told her I would cry at first and probably be really happy. At this point we had talked on and off about it before he had even showed back up, so she knew I missed him. Then, she told me he was there and had been and that my dream wasn’t just a dream but he had actually been there watching me sleep after a night of astral sex with my girlfriend and her soulmate. She has actually scolded him when she realized I was there and not to wake me. But I had the dream that he was there.
My best friend was over at the time and I think I was telling her about the conversation while it was happening and she can probably vouch for whatever my reaction may have actually been. I probably did cry and gasp or something. I know we were watching The Vampire Lovers (the 1970 film adaptation of “Carmilla”) On-Demand at my parent’s. Then, my girlfriend let me chat with him for a while and talk about things.
I apologized for sending him away. We talked about what happened and my girlfriend even said how our former friends had forced him to say certain things if he wanted body-time around me. We talked about a number of things before he finally asked if he could come over and be with me (on the astral that is – my girlfriend lived about three hours away).
After that we began our relationship around July 26th, 2009. We talked frequently over texts through my girlfriend channeling him. I would reciprocate in channeling her soulmate more than I had before but I was not very good at it (channeling was not my thing). The next time she came to visit was to let me see him in the body.
He started writing a story about that meeting that my girlfriend let me read before it was finished. It is one of the few things I wished she’d been able to let him finish writing before she dumped me so that I could have had at least that to read on a daily basis. But, that is beside the point. It was one of those times I could see the shift someone makes when they switch out letting someone else front or control their body or be channeled. My girlfriend came into the house and as I put her stuff in my room and turned around, I could tell it wasn’t her anymore. My heart skipped a beat and the ache began.
He approached me, may have said something about how pretty I was or some BS romantic line, and he held me. He liked being channeled by her because her height was close to his and the difference between her and I was fairly substantial, so he was able to hold me like he would in his own body (astral or physical). We kissed and I am sure my head swam.
It is one of my favorite memories of him too. I could see how much he loved me then, even if I wasn’t sure I believed it before. The way he looked at me, held me, kissed me, even in my girlfriend’s body was different than the way she did it. It wasn’t that she loved me less, but that they were two different people and the way he showed it was less fettered and held back. He’d loved me before in many lifetimes and never had to hide it. He remembered all those lifetimes we were together and wasn’t going to hold back just because I couldn’t remember and was just starting to fall in love with him.
And we were able to be together like that, on and off, for a time. Sometimes I would be with my girlfriend and just her. Sometimes it would be him. And sometimes it would be her and her soulmate. And things seemed to be great for a while.
Except, she was good at channeling. She began to channel others, namely my college roommate’s metaphysical/astral lover and things began to get less copasetic. I quit grad school and left my roommate to deal with things on her own. She started having her boyfriend channeled more at more occasions where we were all together. Sometimes, I feel she did it on purpose so that I couldn’t be with my girlfriend or Gerarian. Other times I don’t know. But every time it sickened me.
I remember telling him that when we were with all our friends that he shouldn’t push out or try to be out regardless of what was going on. I would specifically ask him not to do it. My friends wanted to see my girlfriend not him. And while at times her soulmate would front, it was short stints as I couldn’t maintain him being out for long. My roommate’s boyfriend, though, would come out and spend whole evenings and afternoons with us. I never thought it entirely fair.
Other things caused my girlfriend and me to start having problems, but the channeling was a part of it. Not only because she channeled others too much, in my opinion, but also because I would ask her for Gerarian too often. Especially when her and I were in an argument and I got frustrated with her. I was “abusing her ability” according to her at one point near the end.
Gerarian began fighting with her too. They were good friends before, like siblings almost. They would fight and tease each other, but they both knew the other cared for me and they cared for each other because they knew they each made me happy. But when things started changing, my girlfriend started getting more and more distant because she couldn’t handle our lesbian relationship and reconcile it with her Catholic upbringing, they started to fight more and more. He would say she wasn’t treating me the way I should be treated. And honestly, that was pretty true, but I wasn’t really treating her fairly either.
Things were over between her and me, eventually. I yelled at her and called her terrible names, but I regretted them. I still loved her and attempted to fix things. I wrote an essay about our relationship with each other and our boys but it ended up pissing off my former roommate instead. At that point I severed all ties with her and that coven. Beforehand, though, I left a pointed threat that if my roommate took away Gerarian or put me on an alternate plane of existence, she would prove her lack of worth as not only my friend but also as the coven’s leader. I had seen her do it before, strip astral soulmates away from their physical counterparts and put people on alternate planes of existence “for their own good.” I was not going to have that.
I held on to him harder than ever after that. My now-ex had made “boyfriend” pillows for a bunch of us at the previous Christmas so we could snuggle with our astral boyfriends. I would sob into mine night after night after our breakup and after my split from the coven. While my best friend stayed by my side through it all, Gerarian was the only other person I had from all of that. I poured as much of myself into him, hoping that maybe if I wished hard enough, pled and demanded from Papa enough, that I could have Gerarian for just one day in the physical again. I would never ask my best friend to channel him as it wouldn’t be fair. I had so very little to hold on to Gerarian with.
About a year ago he seemed to realize that there were some things I was sexual unsatisfied with and he ended up finding another metaphysical/astral companion for us. He knew I liked girls too as my only physical sexual relationship had been with a female, so he found an astral lover who is a female Valkyrie named Mel. She isn’t around all the time but I think she is around more than I think. Sometime before Mel, Gerarian also got me to act on some of my sexual attractions I had for Loki, as much as I hate to admit it. Basically, Gerarian realized I missed having a female partner and I also needed a bit of a polyamorous thing going since my relationship with him started polyamorous too. He is friends with Loki and they hang out. He is closer to Mel, but I really don’t know the extent of his feelings…and I really haven’t explored what my feelings for her are either and she hasn’t necessarily made hers known either. Sex doesn’t always equate to romantic feelings in our pixie world.
Most of the rest of this history has been discussed already in the previous post. But yeah, I struggled with only knowing him on the astral and metaphysical levels. I still struggle at times. Sometimes I question whether he was still around or if he stayed with that coven or if he was stripped from me and forced to integrate with his current? Had I been put on a separate plane like others we’d known and I just didn’t know better? But there were things that eventually proved we hadn’t been. There are things I see hints at where I know he exists still.