Weekly Tarot 6.29

I did this yesterday. Figured I’d take a picture of it too while I was at it.

What is the next step on my path?:

XVIII The Moon – Fears and anxieties, believing illusions, chasing after fantasy, dreams and visions. This card is a card of the faerie realm as they are masters of illusion. This is the realm beyond the known and comfortable and predictable. It is the Otherworld. It is easy to be the wayward traveler who is distracted and led astray, but keep wits about you to experience the realm of hidden unknowns and enchantment. – The very first thing I thought when I saw the card, before even reading the meaning, was about the fae and faerie realms. With my brief discussion with a fae prince not that long ago, it is probably just a reminder that I spend some time working with them more. Maybe even doing more astral related work as well.

Clarify this step:

XII The Hanged Man – Letting go and surrendering to experience. Accepting what is and giving up control. Reverse view on the world and see things in a new light. – Perhaps spending a little more time with the faeries and in the otherworlds, doing astral work, and everything else will help give me a shift in perspective I need to continue on this path further. Give up control and get to it.

Anything to carry over from previous weeks?:

Seven of Cups – Indulging in fantasies. There are many options to choose from and that can make things daunting. Not all desires or paths are within the realm of possibility though. – This really does seem to bounce off of the first card. I have a lot of smaller paths to choose from beside my main one. A jack-of-all-trades in both ability and interest. I may need to redirect myself to some of those other paths during this wondering into the otherworlds The Moon is indicating.

Obstacles this Week?:

Four of Pentacles – This is the possessive spirit, always desiring to be in control. He lives within the limitations of the cage he created for himself. He is in denial about his weaknesses and is averse to change. Let go of that selfishness. – This bounces off The Hanged Man card about letting go of control. If I try to maintain control in this, I won’t get far. I will only hold myself back.

Advice in overcoming obstacles?:

Five of Cups – The bowl is filled with her tears. It is about wallowing in regret and loss. It is rejection of pleasure, feeling sorrow, and wishing for what might have been. – I am slightly stumped on this one; however, when I first saw the card I thought about how in past weeks I keep getting told I need to deal with emotions and stuff. Emotions make me feel like I am not in control. Feeling those emotions gives up control on holding them back. So perhaps it is time (again) to let go and let my emotions out.

And as a bonus there is a Soul Card. It mimics the imagery of The Moon card quite well. I feel it is just reiterating that piece of this weeks puzzle. 🙂


Devotional Poetry: Your Wings at my Back

Your Wings at My Back

When you black wings unfurled,
I felt them at my back
as if they were my own,
warding away all the dangers that I faced.
They bolstered me with pride,
with arrogance and confidence.
I did not feel afraid,
while your ebony-feathered wings
surrounded me with strength.
It was years before I knew,
your wings were not my own
and the fragile delicacy of mine
were no where near as powerful
and left me feeling vulnerable
as the feeling of yours faded away.
It took longer still,
before I recognized
the strength in my own wings
were just as powerful as yours,
and your wings wrapped around me
in quiet recognition.

Some devotional poetry…for the first time ever. >.< I haven’t written any poems in a long awhile, let alone thought of writing devotional ones for the Morrigan.

Dream Log 6.27

I hate dreams like that. I can’t even remember it fully now, but I just hate dreams like that. Especially, when I went to sleep after some nice intimate times with Gerarian and Mel. But I couldn’t have a nice dream time continuation of that, could I? I couldn’t have the lucid dreaming/astral travel the Morrigan mentioned in meditation, could I? It really did not seem like this was the kind of dream she wanted me to have.

It had to be one of those nasty dreams that leave me feeling out of sorts in a way I cannot fully describe. I have them periodically. They are nothing new. They are not what I really consider nightmares, despite feeling fear or trapped in the dream. They just are and I hate the lingering feeling afterwards. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and it makes me desperately wish Gerarian was physically present so I could curl up with him for comfort and forget the whole thing.

The Dream:

From what I can remember of the dream, I was someplace familiar with what seemed like familiar people. It is both indoors and outdoors. An outdoor tent perhaps. There are tables all around, like picnic tables. And there he is. The same man that probably always shows up in these dreams. I am his somehow and even if I try to escape his people, these familiar faces that are not so friendly to me, will stop me and catch me. There is no where to go anyway. The borders of the dream don’t really allow me to leave. I am trapped. Maybe it’s a Stockholm Syndrome thing I feel from the dream, but it isn’t totally that. I still want to run, to flee. But there is the attraction despite that. He isn’t anyone I know in this life, I don’t think, but I know him from these dreams. He always wants me and not just sexually/romantically, but for something more. I am his prisoner. Sometimes there is one on one interaction with him in these dreams, but not so much this time. When there is there is a repulsion I feel about the situation but also a twisted attraction to him that makes me all the more repulsed by it. Sometimes he is kind and charismatic, but other times he is just cruel. In this dream, I have been bound in some fashion but that doesn’t stop me from attempting to escape. I never get far. I’m always brought back. I can’t be free in these dreams. I’m trapped and it presses in. I attempt to escape and fail, feeling that pressure to collapse further in on myself. And there is the twisted attraction/repulsion of him that breaks me further. Do I give in or keep fighting? In some versions of the dream there is hope and I’ve escaped somehow…but not this one, not this time. There is no resolution from this dream.

Further Commentary:

I hate these dreams. The depths of my disgust for having them is deep. And for the record, I have no trauma from this lifetime to even linger and cause me dreams like this. They come from seemingly no where. Perhaps, it is some past life trauma I haven’t figured out yet. Perhaps, it is just some intense fear I have manifesting in my dreams now and then. Perhaps, it is one of those glimpses into other realities where something like this happens to the alternate version of myself.

I don’t know and I hate the dream. I’d rather have the dreams where I have pissed someone off and I am running. Free, but always on the run. I don’t like the dreams where I am trapped like this and unable to escape. I hate the lingering feeling after I wake. It often lasts the majority of the day before I can shake it.

Here’s to shaking this one off.

Owls on My Dash

I have been seeing owls on my dash a lot recently. Several are images in combination with crows or ravens. There are always owls on my dash here and there, but not often with the crows and ravens so I took note. I don’t know if it is anything trying to contact me or just the people I follow being exuberant about the owl right now, but I thought I might try the entity identification spread to find out.

Now, I’ve looked up deities associated with owls already. Since I have been focusing in the Celtic pantheons I have been trying to focus there. No Irish deities seem to associate with the owl explicitly but there are the Welsh deities Arianrhod and Blodeuwedd both being associated with owls. And as I have worked with the Welsh Cerridwen it wouldn’t be a stretch that maybe they would contact. But I wasn’t sure and still felt the need to do the spread.

I can’t necessarily say it gave me a definitive answer though.

Entity Evaluation Spread: What kind of entity am I dealing with? – 8 of Cups Overview of the entity: 2a. Their personality – 4 of Swords 2b. Their past – 3 of Cups 2c. Their present – Page of Pentacles 2d. Their future – King of Pentacles Why are they here? – 9 of Wands What do they want from me, if anything? – Hermit What’s the best course of action from here? – Knight of Wands

I don’t plan on giving a whole thing about what each card means and the interpretation. The first card didn’t really shout deity to me though, except in the aspect that it kind of looks like a night sky with stars if viewed further back (which could indicate Arianrhod). The Personality card made me think of the flowers associated with Blodeuwedd as well, but again didn’t shout that and the 4 of Swords didn’t really seem to indicate her mythology either. The other cards didn’t really seem to really connect to either of those two deities as it went along.

Some of the cards seem to indicate the possibility of being associated to a goddess but overall I am leaning more to it just being a animal spirit of the owl. The other possibility of deity besides Arianrhod and Blodeuwedd would be Cailleach (since the Gaelic name for owl is close to her name) but the rest of the cards didn’t quit indicate that either. But there is some significant animal symbolism for the owl in various Celtic traditions so it could definitely be just the animal, again.

I am mostly rambling through the thought process and may work on this more later.

Found some information here and here and here about the Celtic and general symbolism and significance of the owl. I will probably look up more related to just the animal symbolism and working with it as an animal guide, because that is honestly where I am leaning right now. It just doesn’t shout deity now that I have sat and rambled through it.

Meditations and Past Lives with the Morrigan

The Morrigan, while showing me that part of this journey is about the wandering, she (and I) want to make sure I start doing things regularly. This includes meditating more. So far I have been more consistent about it. Sometimes I don’t sit long at my altar and I can’t focus much, but it is taking the time to do so that has been helping.

Sometimes, I also just try talking to her while I am driving to or from work. I often let my thoughts wander to the song playing or have to focus my attention on the traffic, but other times I can actually hold a decent conversation with the Morrigan or whoever. And today Lugh popped in on my way to work.

Nothing was particularly discussed about my path or anything, but he asked, or I offered, that I need to exercise more and that can be part of my work with him. He isn’t as exercise oriented as other deities may be, but he is athletic and as a jack-of-all-trades he is well-rounded in all areas, so why not. The Morrigan has indicated it is not something she is as interested in me doing for her, but it is perfectly okay to do for him. So I sort of made the promise to do workouts more and dedicate that time and energy to him.

However, that really isn’t what I wanted to talk about here. This evening, when I settled in to meditate before bed I should just be sleeping now but I decided to do some work on a potential side-blog and then write this for this blog, the Morrigan indicated she wanted me to go someplace with her.

Continue reading

Weekly Tarot 6.22 and a Check in with The Morrigan

This post is getting double-duty. First off, my weekly tarot.

What is the next step in my path?

Two of Wands – She is the emblem of personal power and influence, authority, and courage. Now is the time to be bold and inventive, and not to shy away from doing what is necessary. But also beware of letting the intoxication of power cloud the mind and judgement. – Time to do and act and all that jazz. Seems about right.

Clarify this step.

XIX The Sun – Enlightenment and understanding, glory, achieving prominence. The constant renewal of life, vitality, filled with radiant joy and energy, invigoration, and good health. Being full of assurance and confidence, a clarity of vision and purpose lit by the clear daylight. Life and growth. – Honestly, first though was Lugh. He may not be a sun god, but I still associate him with it. And it makes sense bouncing off of the Two of Wands with being about personal power and taking action and every thing. It may be time to focus on him a bit again this week.

What do I need to work on from past weeks?

Nine of Wands – Vigiligence is his watchward. It urges you to keep your strength in reserve and to always be prepared for any eventuality. Retain a core of power and know your inner strength. – This still really relates to the first two cards with the inner power and strength. It may just be a good idea to keep my strength and power in reserve for whatever I may be doing this week.

What obstacles are there this week?

Nine of Cups – All that the heart desires is within reach. Health, prosperity, and good fortune. The Nine of Cups entices with the pleasure of the senses, satisfaction, and wish fulfillment. The future is assured and there is bounty on the horizon. – I initially started to think this meant that perhaps having all of this would be the obstacle and distract me, which still may be very possible. However, I am taking this more as this week may actually go smoothly for a change. So I am not going to read the last cast I pulled.

This week may be a bit better than past weeks with being sick on and off and all else.

A few nights ago I did a little spread to check in with the Morrigan about what all I should be doing with my path. I found a spread in the Hidden Realms Tarot book that seemed appropriate to use in this situation, “What is Hidden? Spread.”

What is hidden?: What you need to acknowledge and use and is likely something overlooked.

Knight of Cups – This knight values the experiences of the heart and soul. He is dreamy and romantic. He is slow to action. He would rather enjoy the journey than rush to the destination. He’d rather wander than set a course. He is here to live in the moment. – The part here that struck me is the wandering bit. The journey, the wandering path is more important than the destination at this point. Having not set path, not destination.

The Gift: What you can use or do right away to help the situation.

Five of Cups – Everyone’s life is sprinkled with regrets, hurts, heartaches, and sorrows. With all these challenges comes emotions, yet we fear these emotions. Let yourself feel what you’ve been holding back. Only by doing this can you not only work through and move past them but also experience the cleansing and healing that they bring. – I get the feeling it is around time I start more actively working on shadow work stuff again. I kind of half-assed it before, not it is time to actually do it. That and writing out posts for my memoir blog because that ties in and is about me working through those emotions.

The Challenge: The hardest thing to solve.

Queen of Swords – This queen represents someone with a lot of life experience, and not all of it necessarily happy. She is smart, analytical, and honest. She is never the victim, but rather sees all difficulties as challenges. With an uncanny ability to see connections and patterns, she is able to draw on her own experiences and impart wisdom on others. At times bitterness may tinge her normally calm voice. Even this strong lady can feel weary of always rising above life’s misfortunes. – I have a tendency to be more like the Queen of Swords than any other card because of the whole logic and analytical side of my brain that almost always takes over. I am especially like this queen too with the making connections and seeing patterns. And here and there my recollections of the past are quite tinged with bitterness and I can definitely get weary of the hardships. I often associate the Morrigan with the Queen of Swords in many decks as well, but I don’t think it is a warning that she will be my challenge, it is more about me being my own worse enemy. My Queen of Swords qualities getting in the way of just wandering the path.

The Reward: The outcome.

Two of Cups – It indicates a moment of cemistry or recognition, when like meets like, when two people are simpatico. They are moments filled with energy and a spark. It can be romantic but not necessarily. It can also be an intimate partnership. – If I can get over the obstacle, do shadow work and wander the path without analyzing it and forcing it into a box, there will likely be a stronger partnership with the Morrigan at the end of this.

Again, I did this spread a couple days ago and just now got around to writing something up about it. On my drive home from my parents’ I asked her about what I should be doing. She indicated that I pay attention to the Knight of Cups in this spread about just wandering the path. Not everything needs planned out in this situation. Yet, despite that, we both know I need to make a short list of some immediate housework for my path and development. Mostly that involves me making sure I meditate regularly, I continue posting on my memoir blog and this one, and of course get back into shadow work and finish taking notes on the Penczak book I borrowed from my roommate.

Hopefully I can get this done soon and stop letting that hyper analytical queen side of myself take over and hold me back on this path. 😛

Father’s Day and the Summer Solstice

Today was Father’s Day and the Summer Solstice (Litha). First, I went to visit my dad today and had lunch with my parents. It was nice. I made plans to go to the movies later this week with him too. ^_^ It was a nice time spending with them. I took my cat with me because he hasn’t been feeling well and my dad asked about his “grand-kitty” the other day so I had to bring his grand-kitty with me for Father’s day.

When I got home, I initially sat down to meditate but I got in a mood. Since it is Father’s Day, I thought about doing something special for Gerarian since he is the daddy of our astral children. I found some “sultry” music, because my roommate was at work and I thought I’d dance a bit and other things. Well, I ended up getting more into the dancing and found some nice 8tracks playlists for the Summer Solstice and kept dancing. I put on a mask and my flower crown, lit up candles, and put on my jingly bellydance scarf. Yeah. I got into it for some reason and totally unplanned.

I got a little too into dancing and it being Solstice and Midsummer and Litha and whatever other names this time of year goes by. I liked the bright light from my window behind me. 😛

So yeah. Today was interesting. I have includes the picture of my altar too. Not that it is any different from pictures from a few days ago, but I was in the picture taking mood.

Candles lit up on my altar while I was getting into my dancing by myself for Solstice.

After I got a stitch in my side I settled down and got a glass of water and then decided, since Midsummer is great for connecting to the Faerie realms, I would try that. A post went around recently on Tumblr about a drink from Ponyo where you just boil water, use two teaspoons or so of honey, some cinnamon, and fill a mug half-way with the hot water and then the remaining half with milk. You have a perfect temperature drink that tastes delightful, and honestly, very much suited for an offering for faeries. So I mad that and offered it to the pixies and fae and other faerie beings that are around. I drank part of it too but I had a portion set aside for them.

I sat down and began to meditate and Emma, my pixie joy-guide, excitedly swept me off to join whatever party was happening. There were other of our fae, pixie, and elven friends there all dancing and celebrating. And Gerarian was there with the kids. I danced with him but I think I also danced with another of our fae friends who is a prince. It was nice and I am sure the party is still going on and will continue going on for quite some time.

Funny thing is, I never really go there often when I am consciously meditating or astral traveling. I know I go often while I sleep, but it is nice to go while I am conscious and can immediately recall things rather than just assuming something happened.

Oh. And the Morrigan was there. She seemed amused but didn’t join the festivities of dancing like everyone else. She just seemed content watching everyone else.

I will probably go do something more with Gerarian tonight when I go to bed. He deserves it. I don’t do enough for me. Of course, when he heard me say something about that he started to say something about more kids. Honestly, most of the times he never actually says anything, I just know that’s what he is thinking about. I immediately said no as I have been every time he does bring it up. Eventually it will happen, I am sure, but not for now.

When I came back from the party, I decided to pull some cards from The Heart of Faerie Oracle as seemed appropriate. I connected to Emma and another and pulled the following two cards:

I feel like Cornelius was being a smart ass when I was asking my question.

I asked if there was anything I needed, or they wanted me to work on with them.

60 The Question – Intention. Dialogue. Answers. Questions are very important in Faerie. They, along with wishes and answers and anything that helps or hinders the journey all affect one’s relationship with Faerie. It is important to discover the answers on own. It is also important to know why you are traveling to Faerie and to express that reason. It is time to answer those questions yourself and once answered you can ask one of your own.

16 The Messenger – Confusion. Mischief. Gossip. The Messenger flits between the courts delivering messages and whispering gossip and news to all. He can be a force of good intentions or mischief. He likes nothing more than complication where it isn’t necessary. He loves a good laugh at someone else’s expense. Time to verify what people are telling you and be aware of this messenger in your life and take what he says with a grain of salt.

I honestly feel the first card related to something he told me while dancing about remembering I am part of the faerie community since I am half pixie. I tend to focus so much on my human side that I neglect my pixie side. And also I need to sit down and figure out things I want to do with my path (the Morrigan only gives me so much. In my Weekly Tarot post coming up I will explain some of what she has to say there).

The second card just makes me think he was being a little shit with the reading, just like the Messenger. 🙂

Overall, I had a really nice day considering the random shit things that have been happening this month. It is nice having a some really good days here and there. This was one of the better news days, even with a smart-ass fae prince giving me a message in a reading.