Dream Log 6.27

I hate dreams like that. I can’t even remember it fully now, but I just hate dreams like that. Especially, when I went to sleep after some nice intimate times with Gerarian and Mel. But I couldn’t have a nice dream time continuation of that, could I? I couldn’t have the lucid dreaming/astral travel the Morrigan mentioned in meditation, could I? It really did not seem like this was the kind of dream she wanted me to have.

It had to be one of those nasty dreams that leave me feeling out of sorts in a way I cannot fully describe. I have them periodically. They are nothing new. They are not what I really consider nightmares, despite feeling fear or trapped in the dream. They just are and I hate the lingering feeling afterwards. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and it makes me desperately wish Gerarian was physically present so I could curl up with him for comfort and forget the whole thing.

The Dream:

From what I can remember of the dream, I was someplace familiar with what seemed like familiar people. It is both indoors and outdoors. An outdoor tent perhaps. There are tables all around, like picnic tables. And there he is. The same man that probably always shows up in these dreams. I am his somehow and even if I try to escape his people, these familiar faces that are not so friendly to me, will stop me and catch me. There is no where to go anyway. The borders of the dream don’t really allow me to leave. I am trapped. Maybe it’s a Stockholm Syndrome thing I feel from the dream, but it isn’t totally that. I still want to run, to flee. But there is the attraction despite that. He isn’t anyone I know in this life, I don’t think, but I know him from these dreams. He always wants me and not just sexually/romantically, but for something more. I am his prisoner. Sometimes there is one on one interaction with him in these dreams, but not so much this time. When there is there is a repulsion I feel about the situation but also a twisted attraction to him that makes me all the more repulsed by it. Sometimes he is kind and charismatic, but other times he is just cruel. In this dream, I have been bound in some fashion but that doesn’t stop me from attempting to escape. I never get far. I’m always brought back. I can’t be free in these dreams. I’m trapped and it presses in. I attempt to escape and fail, feeling that pressure to collapse further in on myself. And there is the twisted attraction/repulsion of him that breaks me further. Do I give in or keep fighting? In some versions of the dream there is hope and I’ve escaped somehow…but not this one, not this time. There is no resolution from this dream.

Further Commentary:

I hate these dreams. The depths of my disgust for having them is deep. And for the record, I have no trauma from this lifetime to even linger and cause me dreams like this. They come from seemingly no where. Perhaps, it is some past life trauma I haven’t figured out yet. Perhaps, it is just some intense fear I have manifesting in my dreams now and then. Perhaps, it is one of those glimpses into other realities where something like this happens to the alternate version of myself.

I don’t know and I hate the dream. I’d rather have the dreams where I have pissed someone off and I am running. Free, but always on the run. I don’t like the dreams where I am trapped like this and unable to escape. I hate the lingering feeling after I wake. It often lasts the majority of the day before I can shake it.

Here’s to shaking this one off.

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