This is actually sorta long and rambling and mostly irrelevant to my path so it is going below the cut.
I had a coffee date the other night. Well, not entirely a date. It was really just a meet up for coffee to get to know each other better than texting can allow. But hell, we talked for three hours until the shop closed and we had to leave. I think it went well. I don’t actually have much to compare it to.
I have had a grand total of three physical relationships. Only one was really physically intimate, but all three were physical in the sense the person I was in a relationship with was a physical person. The first was back in high school and he was two years behind me in school (I was a senior and he was a sophomore). We were in band together so I already knew him we we started going out to watch movies and have dinner, but almost always we went dutch even after we became official or what have you.
For me, it was never deeply serious. I never fell in love with him. I liked him well enough, but the deeper sense of love was never really there. Infatuated perhaps, and maybe a bit of a crush, but never love. He saw it differently and when I ended it, after about a year, I think I crushed him a hell of a lot.
The second lasted a couple months and was from a badly set up double-blind date by one of my friends who fancied herself a good matchmaker. She set my best friend and I up with two of her coworkers and by the end of our hanging out, we switched who we were originally paired with. The bad thing about getting involved with the guy I did was that it was a distraction for me. I was two hours away during that time with school and had a huge crush on one of my friends up at school that started dating one of my friends, and “waterbed boy” came at a good time for distracting me from that. I broke up with him quickly when he showed himself to be looking for something more serious than what I wanted to provide.
Then there was Liz. Even before her, I had realized I had an attraction to women. It took us quite some time to realize it, but Liz and I had an attraction for each other as well. It took us awhile to develop anything, but our relationship lasted over two years and with her, I did love her, deeper than I would have ever anticipated when we first started our relationship. Without her opening me up, I wouldn’t have ever accepted Gerarian into my life.
And when we broke up, or I guess when she broke it off, it hurt. I had broken hearts before and that was the first time,
well second time if we count this one time with a spirit I am bound to, that I ever felt that kind of heart break. And I was pretty devastated. I avoided, for quite some time, even considering being with someone else. With her, I didn’t have to pretend Gerarian didn’t exist; she knew he existed. But someone new, I would have hide it for some time before I could even attempt to explain the possibility and I didn’t know I could do that and face the disappointment yet.
Hell, honestly, I stopped wanting anyone but Gerarian for a time. He never disappointed me. Well, that isn’t wholly true, but I didn’t have to worry about the heartbreak from him. It took me a while before I even found myself crushing on someone again, but nothing much comes out of drive-thru romances. But I finally started to want something more than just my relationship with Gerarian.
Eventually, Gerarian got me to start having some additional relationships with other spirits we met
like Loki and Mel. Perhaps it was his way of getting me ready to start a relationship with someone on this physical plane. A huge part of it is also the fact that as a pixie, I am sort of hardwired to be a polyamorous pansexual, whether through spirit relationships or physical ones. However, my promiscuous pixie tendencies have always been fairly muted in this life compared to some of my other past lives.
But, anyway. Back to my most recent coffee date/meet-up. Again, I don’t have much to compare to dating wise. I have been in relationships, yes. I have gone on dates, yes. But the dating thing is sort of new to me. I was friends already with my two serious
in the sense they were more than a couple months long relationships. I didn’t have to date to get to know them, because, for the most part, I already knew them. And with “waterbed boy,” we couldn’t quite date when I went back to school and it was about a two hour drive for us to visit each other.
Even one coffee date, on my own, with a stranger is new territory for me. So it was all sorts of different and out of my comfort zone and got me super distracted from things. He was nice to talk to and I actually really enjoyed our conversations and him. He was attractive too, which certainly does not hurt. 😛 But again, this isn’t something I really know how to do the dating thing. It is not an art I have learned yet in this life.
I think the biggest thing is that it was confidence boosting on a few levels. For one, there was someone that was interested in me that I thought sounded interesting. For two, I could hold a conversation with someone other than who I already knew
though maybe there was a bit of TMI happening now and then. I can talk too much now and then. And then it was the fact that I actually went out and did it that gave me another boost in my self-confidence.
And while this doesn’t really seem pertain a great deal to my personal spiritual practice, I suppose there is a part of it that does. Over the past couple years, I have been attempting to open up more. Specifically, opening my heart chakra up more. It has always been a bit of a weak spot for me to open. And in recent months, the Morrigan has been insistent on opening this chakra up more.
While it took me awhile after my breakup with Liz, I finally started being interested in the idea of dating and finding a sort of lifemate to share my life with and thus opening myself up to new love again. Only problem seems to be that my metaphysical woo-life sometimes keeps me closed off from sharing my life with new people. And then there is my homebody nature where I did not often venture out to meet new people. And that was why I chose to do the online dating sort of thing a couple months ago.
Sadly, I don’t think I really put two and two together until just now. While the Morrigan is insisting on also developing an ability through my heart chakra, I am starting to think it has been two-fold her design of my working on this chakra. She certainly isn’t a match-maker or love deity, but she is associated with sex. She has also been trying to get me to work on some of the emotions I keep pushing aside and dealing with the pain there. Whether she actually intends on me finding a physical relationship and love or just wants me to get laid or if she is simply wanting me to work on some deeper issues that I have been avoiding, I take this little adventure into dating as a good first step.
Oh, and as a final side-note. I picked up some candles and candle holders for Gerarian and our kids at the New Age shop to be a more physical and constant reminder of them in my life. Because that is just as important, if not more so, for my path than having a coffee-date with a stranger. 😛