The Enigma of My Existence

On and off for a while now, I had started contemplating and wondering more about what my path really is meant for. My roommate and I talk about various things all the time and one discussion that mentioned purpose triggered me to think about what my purpose was more. And I just can’t really figure it out for myself or put any words to it. There is a part I understand all too well, but another part that is still lost to me. And that whole thing created some personal confusion and lead to other thoughts and I felt like sharing.

Sometimes meditation helps. I can zone in and hear enough from the Morrigan about what direction she wants me to take. Other times it doesn’t help and I can’t figure anything out.

I wonder if a large part of the problem comes down to how my mundane life gets in the way a lot. I have deadlines and prep work to do all the time for it. It isn’t a job where I go in, work, and then clock out and can go home and not worry about work anymore where I can have time to dedicate to regular mundane and spiritual tasks. I teach and have to grade and have to answer emails.

But my mundane teaching life isn’t the problem. If I prioritize correctly I can get my teaching stuff, my mundane stuff, and my spiritual stuff all done with plenty of time given to all. I just don’t prioritize. But, anyway, this really strays from my point.

I have mentioned before that sometimes the wandering along the path is good thing. Getting lost is a good thing. But I feel I am wandering without direction right now. There is a disconnect some place and I feel I am not making any progress, so I avoid doing more work.

Yesterday, I had a family gathering for the holidays and the night before that some friends has a dinner party as well. I am an extrovert, so social gatherings give me a lot of life. That doesn’t mean I am not socially awkward at times nor does it mean I am always outgoing. But I do enjoy being around a lot of people, especially if I can sit and observe people (and eat).

It got me thinking though, when I was alone on my drive home, that despite that extroversion I sometimes feel a disconnect from those people while I am there. With my extended family, I am a part of the family and part of the social gathering, but also not at the same time. I am somewhat out of place all at the same time.

It feels like my spiritual path. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing (or I assume that I am because I am not being told differently) but I don’t feel like it. Like there is something more I am supposed to do. Perhaps related to my origins as a being? Perhaps related to something else?

I didn’t come into Creation as an ensouled being. I was simply a by-product of the Creation of the Universes. What I mean is, while I have a soul that is half-pixie and half-human, that is not necessarily the origin of my existence. I am an electricity Elemental; with Elementals being the energetic building blocks of the universe that possess consciousness but not necessarily a soul. As an electricity element, as the Spark, I was the Spark of Life. The element of electricity runs through everything in Creation giving everything the Divine Spark of Life. So more or less, a part of me is in every souled being giving them life.

Elementals are immortal and while they are make up everything in the Universe, they are also a bit beyond it at the same time. Not quite in the way the Divine is and deities are though, but Elementals do permeate all of the Universe. Elemental energy is in everything and it helps keep the balance in the Universe. Some believe that Elementals can shift from one type to the next and then become a faery being with a soul once they’ve mastered each element, but that isn’t what I did (even if that were how it happens). I chose to be bundled up into a single soul and eventually flesh, to live life as a mortal. To be a part of the great web-work and puzzle and mess that is Life.

I started to realize that perhaps that fact that I actually an Elemental that is both a part of and separate from Creation helps contribute to this disconnect between what I am doing and how I feel as if I should being something more and the disconnect between feeling a part of things and not at the same time.

So here I am, an enigma. It is the best way I can describe it right now. And I don’t know if I really got an answer last night or not.

Last week, was when I really started questioning to myself what my purpose was. I know part of it relates to being a protector of Mankind. It is what my original coven in college and my current coven’s purpose relates to. It is something I will always do. It is something my “first” life was very much dedicated to. But there is something else that underlies that purpose. And that is what I can never put a finger on.

I venture on this spiritual path of mine in hopes that there will be answers to that. And as I continue to struggle with what that is, I continue to feel lost. The Morrigan gives her own enigmatic answers that can frustrate me, but there is some direction from her.

But then I got a little drop in from Papa as I was pondering my wandering path. I feel Him as a pat (more like petting) on my head (usually the right side) where everything gets all tingly. I don’t feel it often anymore because He is busy and I am doing work with the Morrigan who is mostly in charge of anything on my spiritual path anymore. But his little drop startled me and put me on alert at first because I don’t usually hear from Him. Then I felt it again a few times over the next couple days.

Since I was doing all my pondering yesterday about why I felt like I fit in but didn’t at the same time I did a meditation when I went to bed last night. I intended to do some astral work with Manannan while doing Reiki on myself, but Papa was there instead, so we talked.

A lot has to do with some of what I already explained. It became a realization that His drop in the other day that startled me was more of an answer to my questioning things and His invention to talk. He wanted to give me some answers or at least stave them off for a while. He encouraged me to continue my work with the Morrigan and Manannan (and Lugh), that that would be beneficial. He also let me know I need to sit down and probably start reconnecting to my higher self again. I used to do it quite frequently before learning about the whole being an Elemental thing but since I am always hesitant to connect to that part of my self (which overlaps with my higher self).

So I guess, aside from what the Morrigan is wanting me to do on my path with her, I need to take some time and sit down with my higher self. The Morrigan has already directed me to keep working with Manannan, even though a huge chunk of that is just realizing I can do this anyway but having a guide navigating the Celtic Otherworlds is a good thing. She has also said I really need to get back to shadow work again because I have been putting that off for quite a while.

I honestly don’t know if any of that will give me the answers I am wondering at, but right now I guess I will continue to go with it. Maybe divination would be something to do, but my cards have been quite snarky lately. I am just a little less directionless right now though.

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3 thoughts on “The Enigma of My Existence

    • I feel like I am in a constant state of wondering what it is my purpose is supposed to be and it can be quite frustrating. It is just about going through some of the motions right now because I know some of these things make sense and help, but I just don’t really know what it is for the long term just yet. >.<

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