I mentioned previously in this post about how I am wanting…no. It is more of a need to be completely honest. There is a need to more fully integrate my spiritual work with my “mundane” work. I cannot do that teaching English Composition. I mean. I can incorporate little things here and there that bring my magic and craft into teaching English, but not the way I need to be doing.
Getting a job at the new age shop would be a start. If they call me back, that is. But I need to do more than just that. With the potential cutbacks I have been hearing about with my teaching job, I need a part time position for sure. But in the long run, I need to take other steps to bring my spiritual/metaphysical life to the forefront.
I have dedicated a little over one-third of my life actively to my spiritual development. It has been more than just to be a better person. I see that a bit more now than I used to. I used to think that I could compartmentalize these areas of my life, the mundane and the metaphysical. But I don’t think that is what I am supposed to do anymore.
A few years ago, I had gotten a reading from a psychic at the new age shop I am currently applying to work. She actually sort of surprised me. While I really do enjoy doing readings and taking psychic development classes, I never have really felt all that confident in my abilities. Maybe that is partially still a remnant of what I went through in college with my first coven and how we were and weren’t encouraged. But this psychic told me that an opportunity would present itself in the coming years to take a step into doing what she does. She actually told me something like, “You should be giving me the reading” or “You could be doing what I am doing.” She had asked me how seriously I was taking my development and that essentially the choice would present itself on whether I would take it to the next level and pursue things further. She had mentioned that when that time came, my choice would be clear.
It definitely made me think. I have occasionally looked into taking classes from a nearby spiritualist camp that offers certifications in various fields of psychic study. Nothing really has come of that though. It is just every now and then that I actually look up things there. But still, the seed was planted then with that reading. Maybe I could do that or at least do readings like that gal had told me I could. Yet still, I have never really done anything. The choice hadn’t fully presented itself.
If feels like that time has finally come. In some way, little by little, things have come up that made me realize that keeping my spiritual and psychic life separate from my mundane hasn’t been fulfilling enough. It is part of what has been making me feel so stuck. Getting passed up for a full-time position yet again, shadow work, and just general contemplation have all made me start to realize that I want to do something more with my life. I need to integrate both sides of my life. I can be very good at compartmentalizing, but that isn’t working for me anymore.
I can be open about my spiritual stuff with several of my work colleagues, but I can’t truly bring that side of things into my job. I love teaching and I love writing, but I am realizing that writing is not what I should be teaching. I should certainly be writing and I should certainly still be teaching. But teaching writing is not where my path is leading anymore. It is a means to an end now. It is something to give me the chance to build up some stability while working toward a new goal that will allow me to let me spiritual psychic side be more prominent.
I had been thinking recently about my numerology again. My life path/struggle number is 4. Four is a number of stability. My mentor in psychic development describes the life path number as being something we struggle with in this life more than anything. I wouldn’t necessarily say I struggle with finding stability in my life. At least not always (though financially speaking that has been recently more of a struggle). But my struggle is with being complacent in places that are too stable. Unless something shifts the status quo enough, I will sit complacently by and pretend I am satisfied with things, even if I am not.
I have been pretending for a few semesters that I am happy teaching. I get my classes, so I am happy because I get the paycheck to help pay for my car and other things. My shadow work this past year started really showing me how that it is mostly just being complacent in my position. Sure I apply for full-time. Sure I could see myself teaching full-time, more or less. But it is complacency and not actual job satisfaction or happiness.
I need the Storm. I need the Tower to come tumbling down to often realize when I am being too complacent in my life. I have too often let myself compartmentalize when I shouldn’t. I have too often let myself continue down paths that do not stimulate my creativity or challenge me.
That Storm that is coming in my path needs me to no longer keep my mundane and spiritual life separate. That isn’t the balance in my life that I need. I need to integrate them so that they are one. That is the balance I need. That is part of what I have been seeking for the last few years.
Whether or not I get the confirmation signs I asked for, I know deep within that I cannot continue separating out my mundane and spiritual lives like this forever. I do not know for certain if this is what the Morrighan has been pushing me towards all these years or not, but I am making a decision for myself to push toward something that will be more appropriate for my continued soul development. Because I don’t need to know if this is what she wants from me anymore and I don’t necessarily need her permission to pursue it. Always waiting for her direction has gotten me nowhere and I know that isn’t what I was supposed to be doing anyway.
Something that I have wanted to do for years is have my own bookshop. When I was much younger I always imaged a full theme-park style bookstore with different historical eras and stuff. Way impractical, but the child I was back then thought it would have been awesome. The more practical 30-year-old adult I am now is much more inclined to par that bookstore down. But the idea has floated in my head for years, and as I think about ways to integrate my spiritual life into my mundane I am definitely thinking a metaphysical/new age book shop is what I want to work toward. I know it isn’t an easy task and I need a plan. Hell, it may not even be totally viable option in the long run and it will be a risk. The 4 in me isn’t fully a risk taker and is scared at that prospect, but I need to take that risk. I need that challenge.
I can’t keep putting my life on hold for things that might be. Because that is almost what I have been doing for the last few years of my life, putting my life on hold because this or this might happen so why bother trying. They might not. Having goals to work toward help keep hope and faith in this world often times. Sure, setbacks on those goals can cause us to doubt and lose a little faith, but I haven’t had anything real to work for in so long…or really ever honestly. That lack of a true goal has left me feeling stagnant and stuck on my path for so long. More so than I probably ever have admitted. But this new goal, this new potential path, gives me some direction again, some hope. It gives me the challenge I have actually been looking for in my life.
So, I will be making plans and taking steps toward something that I have wanted to do for years. I don’t know how much I will actually talk about those things here on this blog, but maybe periodically. I am looking forward to the potential growth this may offer me. For the first time in a while I am looking forward to something in my life. It isn’t just me going through the motions anymore and I feel like I can breathe again and that I do have that hope again that I have been missing.