I love Spring for many reasons, but for some reason it still creates this nostalgic and sad feeling for me. Part of that I have realized in recent years has to do with the things that occurred in Spring around this time. This post here can describe some of those things. This year I think it is wanting to hit even harder because my alma mater where so much occurred is in danger of closing permanently.
March 28th is a special anniversary for me. It was the day everything changed for me in college and that really got me hooked into all this metaphysical and spirit stuff. It is also part of a set of holidays my Anam Cara established for our personal paths and the SPG we have. More information can be found here. It is called The Honoring.
On a personal level, as I have said, it is the day everything changed. The things that happened that night eleven years ago are forever etched in my memory. And the sad nostalgia that wells up at those memories these days is interesting. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes only for the innocence we all had.
I feel like I fell into a rabbit hole recently with some songs that have welled up a tremendous amount of feelings that leave me more sad than happy despite some of the songs being happier. This time of year, this date in general, always gets me this way, but sometimes the songs don’t help. “Have We Lost” by Flyleaf always makes me think and feel so acutely those emotions.
Where have the children gone? We were innocent once, but that was so long ago.
It is not so much the memories, past life and current life ones, themselves that cause the sadness. It is what has been lost, I think. That loss of innocence. Everything changed so significantly back then and we didn’t realize what we were losing in the course of events. Would things be better today had they not happened? Had our memories of past lives never surfaced? Had the weight and responsibility of the coven not been placed upon us? Probably not. Those regrets are not what The Honoring is about.
We have made mistakes, I know.
Mother Superior Adilia, and all the other Mother Superiors throughout the Ages, are who we honor on this day. It was not her way to sit and regret these things we lost. Sacrifice was required for the greater good. For her, the sacrifices were very great. For us, those sacrifices have left us far changed from who we once were. I don’t regret who I have become. I miss the thing I lost, but I cannot reclaim it ever again. I, and many others, made mistakes to get to where we all are today and that is something we can never change.
I want to find that book, dust it off, and read it again. There was hope in the end.
Sometimes I fail quite a lot at keeping hope. Those are the times I know I fail Adilia, her memory, and her legacy. I am not the same pixie I was back in her time and certainly not the same woman I was in 2006 or even 2008. The little losses of innocence and friendships, those sacrifices for the greater good and to our own egos, has broken me sometimes more than I care to admit.
Sometimes I think it is because of the spiritual PTSD from those years that causes these feelings and lack of hope. Other times, it’s just me. I try and sometimes find those ways to hope again. Like my project to start my own bookshop or little breaks away from everything like my vacation or my upcoming astral wedding. But sometimes it is still hard to maintain that hope.
“We are Broken” by Paramore is another song that epitomizes my feelings around this time of the year.
Not to mention countless Black Parade album songs. Listening to these songs help me write the stories that must be told from my college days, but sometimes they also make it difficult when the emotions become too heavy.
“‘Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence, and the promise we adored? Give us life again, ’cause we just wanna be whole.”
It has a similar theme, but a much different feel all at the same time. More hopeful, perhaps. Less focused on the past and moving from it at the very least. Adilia was not about looking back and focusing on the past and the regrets therein, but always focused on the future and greater good. Sacrifices are always made in that service, and things can only be restored upon moving forward.
I am writing most of this after another chapter of my memoir from college and senior year and one of the things I said was how I need to write those chapters to fully move on from them. Part of my mood writing this has been influenced by finishing up that chapter and I know it is that moment before I can muster up and go on again. There are so many chapters left to go, but they need to be finished. That will be my promise to Adilia in honor of her memory.