Sorry for the long silence here. Things have been busy. I moved out of the house I had been living with my Anam Cara in and back in with my parents. I had hoped to get accepted into some apartments but they never called me back. Considering my income level, I understand though I am still annoyed. Regardless, I will be saving up money for my future living arrangements while paying my parents some room and board. Now that I am all settled and the next semester of school is going to begin on the New Moon/Solar Eclipse, I figured it was time to write something.
My soul is half-pixie half-human. I was told this about nine years ago and heard it from an angel. We were discovering our past lives at the time and the angel Anael told me my father in this “first” life was a full pixie who fell in love with my mother and had children with her and I was one of the results. When I heard this, I just assumed that she meant my actual physical and biological parents of this life were those very same parents of that first life. Never had any need to actually question that idea until this summer.
Back around Father’s Day I had a dream about this faerie I was helping with something. There were people that wanted something from him he didn’t want to give them and I was helping him avoid having to give in. It didn’t sit well with them so they started to pursue us. At some random point he turns to me and says that I was his daughter and that explained why we were both being pursued by these people and that it wasn’t just because I was helping him. Somehow that explained everything to him even though he was surprised to find out I was his daughter. I was surprised because it just confused me. I have had dreams with my parents in it before and this was not my biological physical father in my dream.
Looking back on the dream, I don’t know why I went to help this strange faerie man. While it could have been just a dream, things began to happen later that really pointed in the other direction of this having been more than that. At first I thought it might have been some sort of past life dream showing me this man. But it could also very well have been some astral adventure I went on that night. My friends and I have been in that habit so it wouldn’t surprise me had it been that.
It took me awhile to finally sit down and figure it out. I was in the middle of packing and moving so I didn’t have a lot of time to just sit and meditate on it or ask the Morrighan for signs either. But the bugs started happening.
Summer is not an unusual time for them for sure but I was being pursued by them. A spider crawled through my shirt and bit me. Mosquitos around every corner ready to bite me. Giant spider on the floor at work. Weird beetle insects. Getting stung on the thigh by a wasp as soon as stepping out of my car when moving furniture. Multiple centipedes crawling around at my parents’ and at work. Every time I turned around a weird bug and every time I went outside I was bit by mosquitos.
I finally started to sit down during these insect pursuits and met with the faerie man from my dreams who claimed to be my father. These days I make sure I have another trusted spirit or deity there to help vet new ones so The Morrighan was present to keep an eye on him. To be honest the initial conversations with him involved more scolding because the whole father aspect confused me. Whether during those initial conversations or just because I got annoyed by the bugs, I decided to blame him for them.
During one conversation with him I got a name (R for short here) and then confirmation signs that it was his name. I began to accept he was at least a father of mine from at least a past life or two. Then the dragonflies showed up. I was sitting at home looking out the window and saw a ton of what looked like faeries flying around and playing. I knew they were bugs but for the longest time I couldn’t identify them as the dragonflies they were.
I then made the connection that maybe the progression of insects showing up for me had to do with accepting him, in whatever capacity, into my life. And I honestly would not be surprised if the bugs were actually from him. I essentially made it known that the dragonflies were okay to send to me as signs of his presence but to stop with all the others. Since then, other bugs have been much less prominent and it has mostly only been dragonflies showing up.
So his nickname and tag has become Lord of the Dragonflies. I am still not exactly sure what our relationship in this life is supposed to be. From conversations we have had and that I have had with the Morrighan, he may very well be my soul father which throws me off because I have always assumed my own father was.
I asked (somewhat angrily) about the fact that if R is my soul father why did it take this long to show up in this life and where he has been. His answer was that during most of the past lives where he got that opportunity to be my father it was during times I did not incarnate into the physical and during the majority of those times he often did not live long enough to get an opportunity to help raise me. From what I know about my lives on the Otherside, I usually was orphaned at a fairly young age and didn’t really know my father.
Actually, there was a point back around the time I had found out I was half-pixie and half-human that another spirit who was part angel made a comment about me not actually knowing who my parents were. It honestly confused me back then because I did, or at least thought I did.
I mean, what R said made sense to me. It sort of clicked and I was simply left to say, “Oh.” Despite the fact that it took this long to be told differently, it made sense. Our talks also revealed that R tended to stay on the astral side of things than ever incarnating physical. Why, he hasn’t explained yet. I know why I incarnate on this side and it would make it very difficult for him to ever really meet up with me in some of my other lifetimes. There have been a small handful where he did take the chance to incarnate physically, but they were long enough ago and my soul has taken a long journey from that point.
Sometimes I hate those moments when things just click so much that those little threads of truth vibrate in just the right way that I know it is true. I am still battling that fact though and testing and asking for infinite signs to prove this fact or that fact. There is more to my lack of trust than just general paranoia about spirits being who they say they are. R asked me one day about what I was so afraid of in all of this. To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly. It could be that I am afraid of what it means for my relationship with my actual father (R has said he actually approves of him being my father too). It could be that I am just not sure how to reconcile having what I thought was true so flipped around on me. And then there is the thing that the Morrighan hinted at as well.
Some days I don’t know whether I should be impressed or annoyed at R. He has that typical pixie attitude. He is cheeky and just… Sometimes the similarity between him and Gerarian just absolutely kills me and I am reminded how much I have teased my sister in the past for having married someone very much like our father. And R has whatever connection to insects that the other day when I was adding to this draft, a dragonfly appeared and flew around my car. I wouldn’t have taken it fully as a sign from him had not my co-worker point it out when we both got out of the car. He wants me to know he is around and yeah.
For some reason, when this song played on my Pandora one night while I was writing out what I was processing with R, it made me think of him.
There is a specific line and just the whole mood of the song. So one of R’s other tags has been “The Faerie Father Sings a Lullaby.” And honestly with the eclipse coming up it makes sense for this song too.
I honestly have a lot more to figure out about him. I am still not 100% about things with him, but there is definitely some things that are making sense. I will definitely be continuing to see where it goes.