The Lord of the Dragonflies

Sorry for the long silence here. Things have been busy. I moved out of the house I had been living with my Anam Cara in and back in with my parents. I had hoped to get accepted into some apartments but they never called me back. Considering my income level, I understand though I am still annoyed. Regardless, I will be saving up money for my future living arrangements while paying my parents some room and board. Now that I am all settled and the next semester of school is going to begin on the New Moon/Solar Eclipse, I figured it was time to write something.


My soul is half-pixie half-human. I was told this about nine years ago and heard it from an angel. We were discovering our past lives at the time and the angel Anael told me my father in this “first” life was a full pixie who fell in love with my mother and had children with her and I was one of the results. When I heard this, I just assumed that she meant my actual physical and biological parents of this life were those very same parents of that first life. Never had any need to actually question that idea until this summer.

Back around Father’s Day I had a dream about this faerie I was helping with something. There were people that wanted something from him he didn’t want to give them and I was helping him avoid having to give in. It didn’t sit well with them so they started to pursue us. At some random point he turns to me and says that I was his daughter and that explained why we were both being pursued by these people and that it wasn’t just because I was helping him. Somehow that explained everything to him even though he was surprised to find out I was his daughter. I was surprised because it just confused me. I have had dreams with my parents in it before and this was not my biological physical father in my dream.

Looking back on the dream, I don’t know why I went to help this strange faerie man. While it could have been just a dream, things began to happen later that really pointed in the other direction of this having been more than that. At first I thought it might have been some sort of past life dream showing me this man. But it could also very well have been some astral adventure I went on that night. My friends and I have been in that habit so it wouldn’t surprise me had it been that.

It took me awhile to finally sit down and figure it out. I was in the middle of packing and moving so I didn’t have a lot of time to just sit and meditate on it or ask the Morrighan for signs either. But the bugs started happening.

Summer is not an unusual time for them for sure but I was being pursued by them. A spider crawled through my shirt and bit me. Mosquitos around every corner ready to bite me. Giant spider on the floor at work. Weird beetle insects. Getting stung on the thigh by a wasp as soon as stepping out of my car when moving furniture. Multiple centipedes crawling around at my parents’ and at work. Every time I turned around a weird bug and every time I went outside I was bit by mosquitos.

I finally started to sit down during these insect pursuits and met with the faerie man from my dreams who claimed to be my father. These days I make sure I have another trusted spirit or deity there to help vet new ones so The Morrighan was present to keep an eye on him. To be honest the initial conversations with him involved more scolding because the whole father aspect confused me. Whether during those initial conversations or just because I got annoyed by the bugs, I decided to blame him for them.

During one conversation with him I got a name (R for short here) and then confirmation signs that it was his name. I began to accept he was at least a father of mine from at least a past life or two. Then the dragonflies showed up. I was sitting at home looking out the window and saw a ton of what looked like faeries flying around and playing. I knew they were bugs but for the longest time I couldn’t identify them as the dragonflies they were.

I then made the connection that maybe the progression of insects showing up for me had to do with accepting him, in whatever capacity, into my life. And I honestly would not be surprised if the bugs were actually from him. I essentially made it known that the dragonflies were okay to send to me as signs of his presence but to stop with all the others. Since then, other bugs have been much less prominent and it has mostly only been dragonflies showing up.

So his nickname and tag has become Lord of the Dragonflies. I am still not exactly sure what our relationship in this life is supposed to be. From conversations we have had and that I have had with the Morrighan, he may very well be my soul father which throws me off because I have always assumed my own father was.

I asked (somewhat angrily) about the fact that if R is my soul father why did it take this long to show up in this life and where he has been. His answer was that during most of the past lives where he got that opportunity to be my father it was during times I did not incarnate into the physical and during the majority of those times he often did not live long enough to get an opportunity to help raise me. From what I know about my lives on the Otherside, I usually was orphaned at a fairly young age and didn’t really know my father.

Actually, there was a point back around the time I had found out I was half-pixie and half-human that another spirit who was part angel made a comment about me not actually knowing who my parents were. It honestly confused me back then because I did, or at least thought I did.

I mean, what R said made sense to me. It sort of clicked and I was simply left to say, “Oh.” Despite the fact that it took this long to be told differently, it made sense. Our talks also revealed that R tended to stay on the astral side of things than ever incarnating physical. Why, he hasn’t explained yet. I know why I incarnate on this side and it would make it very difficult for him to ever really meet up with me in some of my other lifetimes. There have been a small handful where he did take the chance to incarnate physically, but they were long enough ago and my soul has taken a long journey from that point.

Sometimes I hate those moments when things just click so much that those little threads of truth vibrate in just the right way that I know it is true. I am still battling that fact though and testing and asking for infinite signs to prove this fact or that fact. There is more to my lack of trust than just general paranoia about spirits being who they say they are. R asked me one day about what I was so afraid of in all of this. To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly. It could be that I am afraid of what it means for my relationship with my actual father (R has said he actually approves of him being my father too). It could be that I am just not sure how to reconcile having what I thought was true so flipped around on me. And then there is the thing that the Morrighan hinted at as well.


Some days I don’t know whether I should be impressed or annoyed at R. He has that typical pixie attitude. He is cheeky and just… Sometimes the similarity between him and Gerarian just absolutely kills me and I am reminded how much I have teased my sister in the past for having married someone very much like our father. And R has whatever connection to insects that the other day when I was adding to this draft, a dragonfly appeared and flew around my car. I wouldn’t have taken it fully as a sign from him had not my co-worker point it out when we both got out of the car. He wants me to know he is around and yeah.


For some reason, when this song played on my Pandora one night while I was writing out what I was processing with R, it made me think of him.

There is a specific line and just the whole mood of the song. So one of R’s other tags has been “The Faerie Father Sings a Lullaby.” And honestly with the eclipse coming up it makes sense for this song too.


I honestly have a lot more to figure out about him. I am still not 100% about things with him, but there is definitely some things that are making sense. I will definitely be continuing to see where it goes.

Marriage to the Scribe and the Traveler

Last night, with the full moon here, I got married to Gerarian and the Traveler. I don’t remember a whole lot of the actual ceremony or anything but I know a great many friends from the Otherside and those on this side of the things all were there to celebrate with us.

While Gerarian and I have been together for many many lifetimes and our soulmates, it is still new and exciting for me in this life. We have been together since July of 2009. We have had three children together as well. But marriage is new and a step into something different for us, I feel.

Mel, one of our lovers that Gerarian met and introduced me to, told me back when I was still questioning them even proposing to me that getting married to them may help with opening my heart to finding a physical partner. One of the biggest reasons for initially avoiding a relationship with Gerarian prior to July 2009 was the fear that I would let that stop me from having a physical relationship. I’d seen spirit lover relationships prevent my friends from pursuing physical partnerships, so it made sense that I would do the same.

But Gerarian had always been supportive of me dating and having physical relationships, even with Liz, though sometimes they argued a lot. He knows I am a physical being and has always wanted that for me. But once Liz and I broke up, I have been hesitant in sharing myself with other people, because how would I explain Gerarian, and then Mel, and now the Traveler? It scared me and I held back even with starting online dating a couple years ago.

Gerarian encouraged me with Loki for some sexual and relational healing, and then with Mel and even with the Traveler when he showed up. Because Gerarian and I are both very polyamorous, he knew a huge hang-up with our relationship after the break up with Liz was that I thought I needed to be monogamous with him, but that is not the case. He knew better what I needed than what I realized for myself.

When Gerarian encouraged me to talk more with the Traveler, I didn’t expect it to go where it did. I knew there were was a past life connection and I explored what it was, but I didn’t think it was this thing that was as deep as it has become. Our relationship is still quite new. It is still much more courting and romance than what Gerarian and I are. I mean, there have been so many lifetimes with Gerarian as he is my Twin Flame, that it is worked its way through all those initial courting things. But with the Traveler, this link, I can’t quite say yet if it is a soulmate bond, is still new and forming. It is still in its infancy stages. It is just now starting to bloom.

The Traveler chose this marriage with me to solidify the bond we started in that previous life that we could not complete. I wonder if he is actually aware of how this will affect his karma by marrying me now. I have enemies on the Otherside from the work I do, but I know he has his own as well. We are both taking on each other’s karma and to begin this journey as new as it is will be a scary and interesting journey. Hell, even marrying Gerarian in this life is taking on karma as well, but Gerarian and I have done it so many times before that we know how to work through it. So, with the Traveler, it will be a brand new adventure of discovering how the two of us will work together.

I don’t quite know what to call our relationship now. I mean, they are now my spouses for sure, but what to call our polyamorous relationship. If I remembered more of how the ceremony actually progressed I could say if it happens to be more of a triad type polyamory or more of a vee polyamory. It doesn’t quite need a label for the marriage though, I don’t think. We are together and that is what matters.

Because of it being the three of us, I decided to get a set of three interlocking bands to where to be a physical representation of our marriage and our relationships. Each band it made from a different metal: rose gold, gold, and silver. The colors in the pictures below probably don’t show up very well, but I wanted something of three different colors for each of us.

I actually also intend on buying another ring in the future to represent the stone choice that my astral ring has. Gerarian apparently had a connection to a craftsman on the astral that made the astral rings for us. The astral ring I wear is also three interlocking puzzle rings with a stone on each also made from different metals. There is a sort of flower design on it with daisies and roses. The stones, from what I can remember when we asked the craftsman to design it for us, are Morganite for sure, but I think the other two stones on the other two parts of the ring (each from Gerarian and the Traveler) are different stones to represent them. This is one reason I knew I would not be able to find anything exactly like it on the physical plane.

Waking up this morning, despite not remember much at all about the ceremony itself, I know it happened. There was a different feeling I had this morning than other mornings. Perhaps the marriage strengthened my bonds and connections with them and sensing the has improved. Perhaps it is simply the afterglow of the celebration. Whatever it was, there was a lot more sense of our love. A contentment and even sense of adventure for this next part of our journey together.

I am grateful for this milestone, for our friends and loved ones and allies all being there and sharing this with us, and for the potential this opens up for all of us. I don’t often express my emotions, especially gooey lovey dovey ones, but I very much love both of them. Here are some songs for us that do a better job at showing that.

When I Go All Silver Grey

I have been trying to figure out what my tag #when I go all silver grey means for me the last few months that I have been using it. It has taken me awhile, but some things are coming together little by little.

I have always been the Storm,
the Spark.
Lightning runs in my Veins.
As I grow older,
that Lightning comes out
through my hair in Silver strands.
One day, when I go all Silver Grey,
I will return to that Storm.
The Storm that builds around me
and I will be the Lightning that Strikes
the Tower down.
The Waters will carry me on this Journey
across the Otherworlds,
a lone traveler surrounded by
the Life of Ages gone by.
The Beauty of the world will follow
me when I go
and the Threads will pull back together,
the Tapestry finished
with only One to remember its purpose.
When I go all Silver Grey,
will I remember my name?

Reflections on 2016 and the upcoming 2017 year

It has been a little while since last I posted anything. There has been quite a lot that has happened that I am still processing. I am currently trying to get a writing routine established before the year is out so that I can get a head start on some new goals.

Some Tarot…

The Solstice was yesterday and while I didn’t do much for it, I did take the opportunity to go ahead with a couple tarot spreads. The first was a year review spread that goes over things from the past year. The most significant thing I wanted to mention regarding that spread was that in a position that indicates any unfinished business I need to resolve I pulled The Tower card. I have been doing a lot of shadow work heavily these past six months particularly, and that card just really resonates with that to me. Especially after I discussed some things with a spirit companion of mine and she sort of opened my eyes to something I hadn’t considered in my relationships with my spirit lovers (huge bit of my shadow work has been pertaining to relationships and such).

The second spread I did was about what to generally expect from the new year. A general key theme spread and I ended up getting the High Priestess there in regards to that overall theme. Everything else in the spread definitely makes sense and all, but the High Priestess as the key them for the year as a whole seemed significant to mention right now. She returned again in my full month by month yearly spread I do for the upcoming year. Actually, my month by month spread has a lot of Court and Major Arcana coming up for my spiritual life (not surprising honestly). But that spread also gave me The Fool for my overall year. So I have a combination of The Fool and The High Priestess for my themes of next year. Seems like something to look forward to at least.

Some Numerology…

My birthday is pretty close to the start of the New Year (I am an Aquarius January baby) so setting New Year’s goals and resolutions work fairly well at this time. But I figure it may be a good idea to try and relate some of my resolutions or what have you to coincide with numerology.

The Year number for 2016 was a 9; a number of endings. You can look here for more on the year 9. It also talks about personal year numbers, and mine for 2016 was a 6 which relates to relationships and responsibilities and is mentioned a year of adjustment. But next year, 2017, will be a 10/1 year; a year of beginnings. And for my personal year number, it will be a 7 which represents a year of rest and one about learning and inner voyages.

Honestly, next year’s personal year number 7 (even the universal year number of 1) seems to be pretty on par with the tarot readings I have for myself for what next year will be. After this year, hopefully the new beginnings of next year will be good and helpful.

Reflections…

So, while I wont share everything, I figured I would do a little reflection and review over the past year. I took a quick look back at my New Year’s Resolutions post and list (found here) and realized I may not have completed as much as I wished to. I did get through some shadow work finally that I had been putting off forever, so that was a big accomplishment and goal I followed through on. Instead of trimming down my tumblr blog I really just put it on hiatus/inactive about half-way through the year and started a different tumblr to focus on my spirit work and such. I have done some studying of Gaelic Polytheism, but I still need to continue that. I have been doing a lot of work on KonMari and downsizing my closet this past year as well. Recently I did set up a bit of a capsule wardrobe and I plan on continuing that.

While I don’t feel like I can really check off a lot on my goals from the beginning of last year, the shadow work has been pretty pivotal in my spiritual life. While it is not complete and will always been an ongoing process, it has helped in some areas for my spiritual growth. I have some work in a certain area related to that Tower card I mentioned, but I feel that overall that has been one of my biggest accomplishments.

This year has been interesting to say the least. It started out fairly well for the most part with a final close to one chapter of my life in February that left the promise of some downtime. Looking back on old posts from this year there was just a very interesting shift in the middle of the year. Shadow work putting me in a very interesting place I had a lot of difficulty managing and balancing. It helped me grow and develop for sure, but it feels like there were some missed opportunities as well.

And in the midst of this year and my shadow work I had some interesting developments regarding my spirit relationships with Gerarian and The Traveler. Some of those developments are quite recent and I am still not 100% what I think about everything.

So, as a lot of people have said in their own blogs, this year has been something else. Next year I know things will continue. The Morrighan hasn’t said yet, but I know that there will probably be some things for my path she will be directing me on soon. Oh boy, I can’t wait.

Run to You

My heart hurts. I love this song so so much. Right now, in the middle of all my heavy duty shadow work, which is incidentally one of the reasons I have been missing from posting a whole lot here, I found Lacey Sturm’s albumĀ Life Screams and this particular song.

All I think about it, every time I listen and in between all the tears, is how much I miss her. I will never stop missing her either, I realize. I used to hope I would. I used to hope I could forget about her. But I know now that I will always love her. And that is okay. I can still move on while still loving her. I just hope she knows that someone out there loves her and will always love her and that she deserves to be happy with whoever and where ever she chooses.

Poetry

Felt like some poetry with my tags from my tumblr version of this blog. Not great, but something I wanted to put together for a while.

This Path of Mine

I am on this ever winding path through storm-covered flower fields to the horizon. There is lightning in my veins and storms in my heart.

I have mountains to climb and forests to travel. And while the mist may cover the path, the sun will shine through the clouds. The moon will be my guide and the stars will bring me home again.

The path through the woods may be covered with mist, but to be lost in the woods is to see the forest through the trees and to find my way again I will take the deep plunge off the cliffs and the waters will carry me.

The path is paved with flowers and through my hands I feel the entire universe around me. With flowers in my hair, I will dance along this path of mine that is built upon the ruins of old. I will follow the butterflies to the tree that stands in my soul.

I am a dandelion, I am the spark.