The Honoring

I love Spring for many reasons, but for some reason it still creates this nostalgic and sad feeling for me. Part of that I have realized in recent years has to do with the things that occurred in Spring around this time. This post here can describe some of those things. This year I think it is wanting to hit even harder because my alma mater where so much occurred is in danger of closing permanently.

March 28th is a special anniversary for me. It was the day everything changed for me in college and that really got me hooked into all this metaphysical and spirit stuff. It is also part of a set of holidays my Anam Cara established for our personal paths and the SPG we have. More information can be found here. It is called The Honoring.

On a personal level, as I have said, it is the day everything changed. The things that happened that night eleven years ago are forever etched in my memory. And the sad nostalgia that wells up at those memories these days is interesting. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes only for the innocence we all had.

I feel like I fell into a rabbit hole recently with some songs that have welled up a tremendous amount of feelings that leave me more sad than happy despite some of the songs being happier. This time of year, this date in general, always gets me this way, but sometimes the songs don’t help. “Have We Lost” by Flyleaf always makes me think and feel so acutely those emotions.

Where have the children gone? We were innocent once, but that was so long ago.

It is not so much the memories, past life and current life ones, themselves that cause the sadness. It is what has been lost, I think. That loss of innocence. Everything changed so significantly back then and we didn’t realize what we were losing in the course of events. Would things be better today had they not happened? Had our memories of past lives never surfaced? Had the weight and responsibility of the coven not been placed upon us? Probably not. Those regrets are not what The Honoring is about.

We have made mistakes, I know.

Mother Superior Adilia, and all the other Mother Superiors throughout the Ages, are who we honor on this day. It was not her way to sit and regret these things we lost. Sacrifice was required for the greater good. For her, the sacrifices were very great. For us, those sacrifices have left us far changed from who we once were. I don’t regret who I have become. I miss the thing I lost, but I cannot reclaim it ever again. I, and many others, made mistakes to get to where we all are today and that is something we can never change.

I want to find that book, dust it off, and read it again. There was hope in the end.

Sometimes I fail quite a lot at keeping hope. Those are the times I know I fail Adilia, her memory, and her legacy. I am not the same pixie I was back in her time and certainly not the same woman I was in 2006 or even 2008. The little losses of innocence and friendships, those sacrifices for the greater good and to our own egos, has broken me sometimes more than I care to admit.

Sometimes I think it is because of the spiritual PTSD from those years that causes these feelings and lack of hope. Other times, it’s just me. I try and sometimes find those ways to hope again. Like my project to start my own bookshop or little breaks away from everything like my vacation or my upcoming astral wedding. But sometimes it is still hard to maintain that hope.

“We are Broken” by Paramore is another song that epitomizes my feelings around this time of the year. Not to mention countless Black Parade album songs. Listening to these songs help me write the stories that must be told from my college days, but sometimes they also make it difficult when the emotions become too heavy.

“‘Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence, and the promise we adored? Give us life again, ’cause we just wanna be whole.”

It has a similar theme, but a much different feel all at the same time. More hopeful, perhaps. Less focused on the past and moving from it at the very least. Adilia was not about looking back and focusing on the past and the regrets therein, but always focused on the future and greater good. Sacrifices are always made in that service, and things can only be restored upon moving forward.

I am writing most of this after another chapter of my memoir from college and senior year and one of the things I said was how I need to write those chapters to fully move on from them. Part of my mood writing this has been influenced by finishing up that chapter and I know it is that moment before I can muster up and go on again. There are so many chapters left to go, but they need to be finished. That will be my promise to Adilia in honor of her memory.

Vacation on the West Coast

Last week my roommate and I went on a friend-cation with two of our really good friends. I have been to California before but it was Southern California and for a conference and I really didn’t enjoy it. But this time…omg. Such a different experience.

We unplugged, for the most part, from technology. I turned off almost all my notifications save for texts and calls in case something did come up when we were doing our separate things or to hear about my cat back home. But no internet for things. No email. No worrying about my mundane job and life. Just being out there in the Redwoods.

I have been to the sea plenty of times. Often went to Florida for summers when I was younger. I enjoyed them for the most part, but it was always bustling with lots of people and it was just a little too, I can’t quite describe the word for it, but just not as it could be with all the people there.

But on our two trips to two different beaches near our cabin in the Redwoods, it was a much different experience. Maybe east coast sunrises are just different and not the same as evening sunsets on the west coast, but I was so at peace. For me, Manannán was there. I associate him so much more with a western facing shoreline than anything else. Sun setting over the ocean. Waves crashing and roaring in the ears. The winds blowing my hair wild. Those moments I want to relieve again.

The one shore was more typical of beaches I have been. It was quite lovely. More driftwood than I have seen before and lots of stones perfect for skipping. But the second beach was a black sands beach and…that was quite a spiritual experience. The marijuana probably aided that too. But sitting on a large rock above the crashing waves, so much like my bliss area I go during meditations, and the mists rolling down the mountains, it was such a liminal space.

I don’t like touristy/vacationy beaches where people go to sunbathe and swim in the ocean and are overcrowded. But beaches like those with rocks and cold, wild waters with few visitors, those are the ones I enjoy. The wild peace of the ocean is found at those. The places where Land and Sea meet the Sky in all their untamed glory that allow us to slip so easily between the realms. The liminal places of this earth.

There were so many crows out there too. They were always so chatty, so much more than back home. We climbed a hilly cemetary one day and a whole murder of crows were chatting up storms up at the top. The Morrighan was quite near.

And the Redwoods themselves were gorgeous. It was quite another world there. A Faery World as my one friend calls it. The whole trip out in nature was quite awe inspiring. There is so much I would want to say but I can’t fully find the words to say any of it. I just know that that is one place I am glad I got to visit and see in my lifetime. It was refreshing and inspiring.

I hope to be able to pull on the rejuvenation I gained from that trip for the next few weeks and months back at school. I need something to get me through these classes this semester for sure and that trip will be it.

Winter Solstice Cleansing

Monday was the Solstice where I live. To sort of start out my new study schedule (which the hard core study will be delayed until next week I think) I thought it would be a good idea to do some cleansing. We are close enough to the New Year, that I figured it would work at Yule/Winter Solstice.

One of the big things I did was some deep cleaning in my bedroom. I moved furniture (except my bed because that is too big/heavy for me to move by myself) and vacuumed. Dusted the corners and the walls. Put back up a puzzle that fell down months ago. Set up my cat’s water fountain again even though he doesn’t drink from it anymore. And freshened up my altar space just a bit.

Aside from all the actual cleaning, I planned a minor ritual to cleanse myself and my space. I took a ritual bath with some winter rainwater I collected that morning and sandalwood oil. Then when I was done with that I went back to my room and did a smoke cleansing for my own aura and the energy of my room. I wanted to remove any stagnant and unwanted energy from my personal space and reset it. After that was more personal energy cleansing running through my chakras and aura for gunk and asking the Morrigan and others to remove any obstacles from my personal path.

I ended up offering wine and some no-bake cookies I had brought back from my mom’s the other day. I like offering things I enjoy. ^_^

That was really the gist of it. I didn’t do any super deep meditations or anything. Just said my thank yous and that kind of thing before cleaning up and attempting to air out my room. 😛

But it was a nice little observance to do and while I still have more cleaning to do (like get rid of old clothes and reorganize my drawers) I feel it was really helpful and a nice restart.

Since then I have been doing some blog cleanup over on my tumblr. I had almost 20,000 posts from reblogging crap so I figured I would take this time to try and trim that down. I haven’t gotten terribly far (down to just below 19,000) but it is moving along. I decided to start a sideblog over on tumblr as an Eshrine to the beings I work with so a lot of posts are migrating over that direction. 🙂 Just another thing I wanted to do as an act of devotion to all of them.

Father’s Day and the Summer Solstice

Today was Father’s Day and the Summer Solstice (Litha). First, I went to visit my dad today and had lunch with my parents. It was nice. I made plans to go to the movies later this week with him too. ^_^ It was a nice time spending with them. I took my cat with me because he hasn’t been feeling well and my dad asked about his “grand-kitty” the other day so I had to bring his grand-kitty with me for Father’s day.

When I got home, I initially sat down to meditate but I got in a mood. Since it is Father’s Day, I thought about doing something special for Gerarian since he is the daddy of our astral children. I found some “sultry” music, because my roommate was at work and I thought I’d dance a bit and other things. Well, I ended up getting more into the dancing and found some nice 8tracks playlists for the Summer Solstice and kept dancing. I put on a mask and my flower crown, lit up candles, and put on my jingly bellydance scarf. Yeah. I got into it for some reason and totally unplanned.

I got a little too into dancing and it being Solstice and Midsummer and Litha and whatever other names this time of year goes by. I liked the bright light from my window behind me. 😛

So yeah. Today was interesting. I have includes the picture of my altar too. Not that it is any different from pictures from a few days ago, but I was in the picture taking mood.

Candles lit up on my altar while I was getting into my dancing by myself for Solstice.

After I got a stitch in my side I settled down and got a glass of water and then decided, since Midsummer is great for connecting to the Faerie realms, I would try that. A post went around recently on Tumblr about a drink from Ponyo where you just boil water, use two teaspoons or so of honey, some cinnamon, and fill a mug half-way with the hot water and then the remaining half with milk. You have a perfect temperature drink that tastes delightful, and honestly, very much suited for an offering for faeries. So I mad that and offered it to the pixies and fae and other faerie beings that are around. I drank part of it too but I had a portion set aside for them.

I sat down and began to meditate and Emma, my pixie joy-guide, excitedly swept me off to join whatever party was happening. There were other of our fae, pixie, and elven friends there all dancing and celebrating. And Gerarian was there with the kids. I danced with him but I think I also danced with another of our fae friends who is a prince. It was nice and I am sure the party is still going on and will continue going on for quite some time.

Funny thing is, I never really go there often when I am consciously meditating or astral traveling. I know I go often while I sleep, but it is nice to go while I am conscious and can immediately recall things rather than just assuming something happened.

Oh. And the Morrigan was there. She seemed amused but didn’t join the festivities of dancing like everyone else. She just seemed content watching everyone else.

I will probably go do something more with Gerarian tonight when I go to bed. He deserves it. I don’t do enough for me. Of course, when he heard me say something about that he started to say something about more kids. Honestly, most of the times he never actually says anything, I just know that’s what he is thinking about. I immediately said no as I have been every time he does bring it up. Eventually it will happen, I am sure, but not for now.

When I came back from the party, I decided to pull some cards from The Heart of Faerie Oracle as seemed appropriate. I connected to Emma and another and pulled the following two cards:

I feel like Cornelius was being a smart ass when I was asking my question.

I asked if there was anything I needed, or they wanted me to work on with them.

60 The Question – Intention. Dialogue. Answers. Questions are very important in Faerie. They, along with wishes and answers and anything that helps or hinders the journey all affect one’s relationship with Faerie. It is important to discover the answers on own. It is also important to know why you are traveling to Faerie and to express that reason. It is time to answer those questions yourself and once answered you can ask one of your own.

16 The Messenger – Confusion. Mischief. Gossip. The Messenger flits between the courts delivering messages and whispering gossip and news to all. He can be a force of good intentions or mischief. He likes nothing more than complication where it isn’t necessary. He loves a good laugh at someone else’s expense. Time to verify what people are telling you and be aware of this messenger in your life and take what he says with a grain of salt.

I honestly feel the first card related to something he told me while dancing about remembering I am part of the faerie community since I am half pixie. I tend to focus so much on my human side that I neglect my pixie side. And also I need to sit down and figure out things I want to do with my path (the Morrigan only gives me so much. In my Weekly Tarot post coming up I will explain some of what she has to say there).

The second card just makes me think he was being a little shit with the reading, just like the Messenger. 🙂

Overall, I had a really nice day considering the random shit things that have been happening this month. It is nice having a some really good days here and there. This was one of the better news days, even with a smart-ass fae prince giving me a message in a reading.