Marriage to the Scribe and the Traveler

Last night, with the full moon here, I got married to Gerarian and the Traveler. I don’t remember a whole lot of the actual ceremony or anything but I know a great many friends from the Otherside and those on this side of the things all were there to celebrate with us.

While Gerarian and I have been together for many many lifetimes and our soulmates, it is still new and exciting for me in this life. We have been together since July of 2009. We have had three children together as well. But marriage is new and a step into something different for us, I feel.

Mel, one of our lovers that Gerarian met and introduced me to, told me back when I was still questioning them even proposing to me that getting married to them may help with opening my heart to finding a physical partner. One of the biggest reasons for initially avoiding a relationship with Gerarian prior to July 2009 was the fear that I would let that stop me from having a physical relationship. I’d seen spirit lover relationships prevent my friends from pursuing physical partnerships, so it made sense that I would do the same.

But Gerarian had always been supportive of me dating and having physical relationships, even with Liz, though sometimes they argued a lot. He knows I am a physical being and has always wanted that for me. But once Liz and I broke up, I have been hesitant in sharing myself with other people, because how would I explain Gerarian, and then Mel, and now the Traveler? It scared me and I held back even with starting online dating a couple years ago.

Gerarian encouraged me with Loki for some sexual and relational healing, and then with Mel and even with the Traveler when he showed up. Because Gerarian and I are both very polyamorous, he knew a huge hang-up with our relationship after the break up with Liz was that I thought I needed to be monogamous with him, but that is not the case. He knew better what I needed than what I realized for myself.

When Gerarian encouraged me to talk more with the Traveler, I didn’t expect it to go where it did. I knew there were was a past life connection and I explored what it was, but I didn’t think it was this thing that was as deep as it has become. Our relationship is still quite new. It is still much more courting and romance than what Gerarian and I are. I mean, there have been so many lifetimes with Gerarian as he is my Twin Flame, that it is worked its way through all those initial courting things. But with the Traveler, this link, I can’t quite say yet if it is a soulmate bond, is still new and forming. It is still in its infancy stages. It is just now starting to bloom.

The Traveler chose this marriage with me to solidify the bond we started in that previous life that we could not complete. I wonder if he is actually aware of how this will affect his karma by marrying me now. I have enemies on the Otherside from the work I do, but I know he has his own as well. We are both taking on each other’s karma and to begin this journey as new as it is will be a scary and interesting journey. Hell, even marrying Gerarian in this life is taking on karma as well, but Gerarian and I have done it so many times before that we know how to work through it. So, with the Traveler, it will be a brand new adventure of discovering how the two of us will work together.

I don’t quite know what to call our relationship now. I mean, they are now my spouses for sure, but what to call our polyamorous relationship. If I remembered more of how the ceremony actually progressed I could say if it happens to be more of a triad type polyamory or more of a vee polyamory. It doesn’t quite need a label for the marriage though, I don’t think. We are together and that is what matters.

Because of it being the three of us, I decided to get a set of three interlocking bands to where to be a physical representation of our marriage and our relationships. Each band it made from a different metal: rose gold, gold, and silver. The colors in the pictures below probably don’t show up very well, but I wanted something of three different colors for each of us.

I actually also intend on buying another ring in the future to represent the stone choice that my astral ring has. Gerarian apparently had a connection to a craftsman on the astral that made the astral rings for us. The astral ring I wear is also three interlocking puzzle rings with a stone on each also made from different metals. There is a sort of flower design on it with daisies and roses. The stones, from what I can remember when we asked the craftsman to design it for us, are Morganite for sure, but I think the other two stones on the other two parts of the ring (each from Gerarian and the Traveler) are different stones to represent them. This is one reason I knew I would not be able to find anything exactly like it on the physical plane.

Waking up this morning, despite not remember much at all about the ceremony itself, I know it happened. There was a different feeling I had this morning than other mornings. Perhaps the marriage strengthened my bonds and connections with them and sensing the has improved. Perhaps it is simply the afterglow of the celebration. Whatever it was, there was a lot more sense of our love. A contentment and even sense of adventure for this next part of our journey together.

I am grateful for this milestone, for our friends and loved ones and allies all being there and sharing this with us, and for the potential this opens up for all of us. I don’t often express my emotions, especially gooey lovey dovey ones, but I very much love both of them. Here are some songs for us that do a better job at showing that.

The Honoring

I love Spring for many reasons, but for some reason it still creates this nostalgic and sad feeling for me. Part of that I have realized in recent years has to do with the things that occurred in Spring around this time. This post here can describe some of those things. This year I think it is wanting to hit even harder because my alma mater where so much occurred is in danger of closing permanently.

March 28th is a special anniversary for me. It was the day everything changed for me in college and that really got me hooked into all this metaphysical and spirit stuff. It is also part of a set of holidays my Anam Cara established for our personal paths and the SPG we have. More information can be found here. It is called The Honoring.

On a personal level, as I have said, it is the day everything changed. The things that happened that night eleven years ago are forever etched in my memory. And the sad nostalgia that wells up at those memories these days is interesting. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes only for the innocence we all had.

I feel like I fell into a rabbit hole recently with some songs that have welled up a tremendous amount of feelings that leave me more sad than happy despite some of the songs being happier. This time of year, this date in general, always gets me this way, but sometimes the songs don’t help. “Have We Lost” by Flyleaf always makes me think and feel so acutely those emotions.

Where have the children gone? We were innocent once, but that was so long ago.

It is not so much the memories, past life and current life ones, themselves that cause the sadness. It is what has been lost, I think. That loss of innocence. Everything changed so significantly back then and we didn’t realize what we were losing in the course of events. Would things be better today had they not happened? Had our memories of past lives never surfaced? Had the weight and responsibility of the coven not been placed upon us? Probably not. Those regrets are not what The Honoring is about.

We have made mistakes, I know.

Mother Superior Adilia, and all the other Mother Superiors throughout the Ages, are who we honor on this day. It was not her way to sit and regret these things we lost. Sacrifice was required for the greater good. For her, the sacrifices were very great. For us, those sacrifices have left us far changed from who we once were. I don’t regret who I have become. I miss the thing I lost, but I cannot reclaim it ever again. I, and many others, made mistakes to get to where we all are today and that is something we can never change.

I want to find that book, dust it off, and read it again. There was hope in the end.

Sometimes I fail quite a lot at keeping hope. Those are the times I know I fail Adilia, her memory, and her legacy. I am not the same pixie I was back in her time and certainly not the same woman I was in 2006 or even 2008. The little losses of innocence and friendships, those sacrifices for the greater good and to our own egos, has broken me sometimes more than I care to admit.

Sometimes I think it is because of the spiritual PTSD from those years that causes these feelings and lack of hope. Other times, it’s just me. I try and sometimes find those ways to hope again. Like my project to start my own bookshop or little breaks away from everything like my vacation or my upcoming astral wedding. But sometimes it is still hard to maintain that hope.

“We are Broken” by Paramore is another song that epitomizes my feelings around this time of the year. Not to mention countlessĀ Black Parade album songs. Listening to these songs help me write the stories that must be told from my college days, but sometimes they also make it difficult when the emotions become too heavy.

“‘Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence, and the promise we adored? Give us life again, ’cause we just wanna be whole.”

It has a similar theme, but a much different feel all at the same time. More hopeful, perhaps. Less focused on the past and moving from it at the very least. Adilia was not about looking back and focusing on the past and the regrets therein, but always focused on the future and greater good. Sacrifices are always made in that service, and things can only be restored upon moving forward.

I am writing most of this after another chapter of my memoir from college and senior year and one of the things I said was how I need to write those chapters to fully move on from them. Part of my mood writing this has been influenced by finishing up that chapter and I know it is that moment before I can muster up and go on again. There are so many chapters left to go, but they need to be finished. That will be my promise to Adilia in honor of her memory.

When I Go All Silver Grey

I have been trying to figure out what my tag #when I go all silver grey means for me the last few months that I have been using it. It has taken me awhile, but some things are coming together little by little.

I have always been the Storm,
the Spark.
Lightning runs in my Veins.
As I grow older,
that Lightning comes out
through my hair in Silver strands.
One day, when I go all Silver Grey,
I will return to that Storm.
The Storm that builds around me
and I will be the Lightning that Strikes
the Tower down.
The Waters will carry me on this Journey
across the Otherworlds,
a lone traveler surrounded by
the Life of Ages gone by.
The Beauty of the world will follow
me when I go
and the Threads will pull back together,
the Tapestry finished
with only One to remember its purpose.
When I go all Silver Grey,
will I remember my name?

Run to You

My heart hurts. I love this song so so much. Right now, in the middle of all my heavy duty shadow work, which is incidentally one of the reasons I have been missing from posting a whole lot here, I found Lacey Sturm’s albumĀ Life Screams and this particular song.

All I think about it, every time I listen and in between all the tears, is how much I miss her. I will never stop missing her either, I realize. I used to hope I would. I used to hope I could forget about her. But I know now that I will always love her. And that is okay. I can still move on while still loving her. I just hope she knows that someone out there loves her and will always love her and that she deserves to be happy with whoever and where ever she chooses.

Poetry

Felt like some poetry with my tags from my tumblr version of this blog. Not great, but something I wanted to put together for a while.

This Path of Mine

I am on this ever winding path through storm-covered flower fields to the horizon. There is lightning in my veins and storms in my heart.

I have mountains to climb and forests to travel. And while the mist may cover the path, the sun will shine through the clouds. The moon will be my guide and the stars will bring me home again.

The path through the woods may be covered with mist, but to be lost in the woods is to see the forest through the trees and to find my way again I will take the deep plunge off the cliffs and the waters will carry me.

The path is paved with flowers and through my hands I feel the entire universe around me. With flowers in my hair, I will dance along this path of mine that is built upon the ruins of old. I will follow the butterflies to the tree that stands in my soul.

I am a dandelion, I am the spark.

Pet Magic

My cat has been sick this past summer. He has what is called hypercalcemia where he is producing an overabundance of calcium in his system. Now, there was noticeable enough high levels as a kitten when I had him fixed but not enough to stop us from doing the surgery. Never caused an issue until this summer when he stopped eating and lost a noticeable amount of weight. I am never calling my cats fat again.

Took him and found out his levels were high and sent out for more tests to get a possible positive that he might have a tumor or cancer. Well, I don’t make much money and as much as I love my baby, I cannot afford to take him to internal specialists to find out he has a tumor or cancer that he has to have surgery or chemo for.

So instead, we are treating him as idiopathic, which basically means there is no known cause for the condition. This means I have changed his diet to all canned food (though I am going to start supplementing dry in there too). Since the canned food has more water content he’ll pee more and hopefully flush out some of the extra calcium in his system so that it doesn’t calcify to his organs. And now he is about to start some medicine.

What does this have to do with this blog? Well, he’s pretty much my familiar. Somehow, in one of our ridiculous discussions that yield some weird truth, my roommate and I determined that my cat Declan isn’t really a cat, but a golem type creature that in one of my past lives I created for some ridiculous purpose neither of us really know for sure. His origin is from crystals that my past life put together to create a cat-like being to serve her and all our future lives when we’d need him. I have heard several beings I have worked with say he is quite a little protector.

Anyway, despite his soul(s) not being truly a cat soul and his origins being a crystal amalgam golem creature he is my little familiar cat. Ever since I began this path more officially (because honestly I have been on this path for far longer than I realized) he has been around. He showed up a few months after my old cat Necco died. When I practiced casting a circle one night he jumped at me and I caught him with my other arm and finished casting the circle with the other. He is always close and fairly sensitive.

But, damnit. If it wasn’t funny enough before us joking about him being a crystal golem, then he had to develop an issue with this hypercalcemia thing. I mean, the irony of him being a crystal, a mineral, golem and having high levels of calcium in his system. >.< I didn’t need that as a two-by-four moment, honestly.

But anyway, because of his health I have been trying on and off to do some Reiki healing with him. He doesn’t like it much. I even tried a crystal grid once or twice but he was even more grouchy about that and avoided it. The energy makes him testy I suppose. But when his appetite keeps going in and out I need to try something more still.

My roommate suggested some kitchen magic the other day. I am not great at kitchen magic, but I figured I could adapt something to work for him. I took his bowl this afternoon and created some sigils for the bottom of the dish to help him eat more. Since it is a blue moon and all, it seems a great time to harness that extra moon magic tonight too. I’ll probably try something on his pills as well to help him take them more easily.

I hope he continues to do better. It makes me really sad some days when he doesn’t eat much. Maybe a spell with help him out some more.