Pathless Wanderings

Lately…honestly it would be more accurate to say that the last few years I have felt this way more frequently than not, but I have been feeling rather pathless as of late. I don’t know where things are heading. I keep wandering along what I think is my path, but I can’t find my way.

I have written before about wandering along this path of mine. I started this blog because I felt stuck and it really doesn’t feel like much has changed. There have been times I moved forward for various reasons. But whether from my lack of dedication to things or it is simply how the cycles have gone, I feel  stuck again…and not for the first time since starting the blog.

The majority of my problem is really my own lack of dedication. Its part of what causes these cycles to continue. I am never making permanent changes in my life because I am not sticking with anything I ought to be sticking to. There has been only minuet steps forward over these last two and half years with this blog and I am disappointed in myself. My problem has always been a lack of dedication. There are only certain things I have consistently stuck with over the years and even some of those things it hasn’t been entirely consistent. I let myself get distracted and come up with excuses as to why I don’t do this or that more regularly.

Life happens too and I let myself get consumed by other mundane things. Sometimes those things are necessary. But I know I get in my own way with letting those things consume my time by not planning my time better, binge watching shows, etc. I know I am my own worst enemy in all of this. I don’t listen as much as I should. I ignore the routines I try to establish for myself. I procrastinate and tell myself I can do it tomorrow. I run from the few things I catch glimpses of out of fear of what it will change. I am so set in my bad habits of not doing the things that I never do them and never move forward in the way I should.

This isn’t supposed to sound as self-deprecating as it probably does. My intention is more to acknowledge my own lack of responsibility in my path. My intention has been to figure out something and I do that best by just writing.

Recently, my Anam Cara and another dear friend did dual readings on Tumblr and I managed to get in on their offerings. They wrote it in a story format that was beautifully written. The actual messages struck a few chords with me. The one aspect of the reading was this:

He smiled at you. “My dear, there may be some practical activities and material gain that may help you move forward. Remember to be persistent as that will help find the treasure you’re looking for. Remain grounded as you move forward and stand up tall and strong, though be light on your feet as if you were the air of the earth itself. Think hard and be clever. You have the means to take your first steps into your new path.”

…and the other part was this:

“Round and round the circle goes. It’s never ending since the first angel stood up. Sometimes, that circle no longer can hold, but when does it stop? You must topple it like the tower and strike it with lightning and justice. Then build the circle and start a new cycle that works. We build for the future you and I because the worlds need to live on, so let’s start anew.” He gives you a knowing smile before embracing you, whispering, “It’s time to go silver grey and give them all hell.” He slowly let go of the embrace and letting your hands slip through his.

The first part honestly just reminds me about the fact that I need to take the practical, and consistent, actions I have needed to take for years. I don’t need to continue spending time researching like I have been or pretending I am researching. I need to stop procrastinating on the doing of things. I need to make the time for it I have been avoiding.

The second part was a little more to mull over, but sitting here and partially bemoaning my own lack of commitment (Aquarius over here being bad at commitment) I am ever reminded of the fact that I am the Tower. While my numerology number is a 4 and about building foundations, I am also the Tower and need to destroy the things I have built in my life that do not actually support me on this journey. I need to let the tower of my bad habits tumble down. I can’t progress any further on my personal spiritual path with those towers standing in my life.

There are other towers too that second part refers to. Ones that are beyond just my own path, but those are not the ones that make me personally feel stuck and those are ones that I am not focusing on here. Those have a whole other connotation.

The problem is, though, that I still don’t know exactly what to do. I don’t know where I should refocus my path. I don’t know what pieces to destroy and set permanently aside. There are these little aspects I suspect and think may be it. I consider some of the mundane things I can do in order to make things more clear for me. My mundane life is far more cluttered and impeding to my spiritual journey than I fully admit. But I do not know 100% what needs to go. I need to change so many things. I need to refocus myself. But there is so much that I don’t know where to begin.

There are certain things I am afraid of too. There are these little glimpses on the path that is hovering in the distance that scare me. Some are nowhere near enough to the now in my path to really worry, but I still do. Others are close and I don’t know if it is where I want to go. There are choices before me, options that I have and there are parts of me that are afraid of making the wrong choice. As much as I have split my focus in the past, I know now I need to start narrowing those many focuses down to a much smaller number.

I have been wandering away from the path for months despite the times I ask other readers or the Morrighan herself. I have been avoiding the things I really need to be doing. It is probably why she kept refusing to tell me anything anyway. I wasn’t going to follow through back then anyway. I wasn’t acknowledging I was running from things. I have been wandering away from the path pretending I was on it all along. It has been months, if not the last year or so, of pathless wanderings.

It hasn’t been all for naught though. There have been things gained in this. Shadow work has happened and is still happening even now with this post. There have been revelations and new phases of my relationships with various spirits in my life. But there has been a great deal of faking it too. My favorite teacher has always said “fake it until you make it” in regards to psychic development and it has been a tremendous help. I think a lot of my faking it has been more of a distraction than anything, though.

I don’t know if this will accomplish what it needs to for myself. It seems to be mostly a ramble of blaming myself for making what feels to me little to no progress along my actual path, the path I have been wandering away from for months. I don’t know if this will truly prompt me to head back towards the path I should be walking. I don’t know if this will really get me to destroy the towers that need destroyed in my spiritual life. I don’t know if this will prompt me to figure out what my focused path should be.

I just don’t know.

I am still just wandering along this pathless route.

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Salve Regina

I meant to write a couple days ago. However, things were busy with my family so I had to postpone this until now.

I forgot to mention in my post here about how in my reading from John, a card indicated looking back on my childhood spirituality and bringing something forward into my current spirituality. Immediately, as he started saying that, I thought about the rosary. I didn’t often say the rosary, but it has always been one of my favorite aspects of my Catholic upbringing.

When I was confirmed my Sophomore or Junior year of college, my aunt (who sponsored me), gave me a gift. She said she knew it wasn’t the prettiest rosary, but it was her mother’s (my maternal grandmother’s). I thought it was gorgeous. It is probably the one rosary I pull out on a consistent basis to look at or old. For one, it was my grandmother’s and it serves as a connection to her. The other reason is that I actually keep it where I can access it fairly quickly.

My grandmother’s rosary.

Anyway, I figured it wouldn’t be a bad idea to start saying the rosary again as a regular part of my practice. Especially with Lent rolling around Wednesday I can take up the practice for the time period and see how that helps progress my spiritual path.

I am by no means throwing out other aspects of my pagan path. I have always had a great deal of love for my Catholic roots and I just didn’t, for the longest time, really incorporate it into my practice as I have always aimed to. Praying the rosary is very centering and very meditative. It is a way for my to connect with my Catholic ancestors and the tradition of it has always made me feel something. And that is something that I think is important for me right now.

I am actually looking forward to spending some time with the rosary now.

Little More Confidence

I took a trip to the New Age shop I applied at today to check on my application. I also decided to get a reading from one of the psychics, John, who has also been a mentor for me these last few years of developing myself psychically.

One reason for this is because, despite saying I feel like I am on the right track, I just need some more confirmation on it. There is always that little bit of doubt still, despite trusting that it is the correct decision.

Interestingly enough, a card flipped over during my shuffling and it showed back up when I split the deck for him to pick back up before laying out the cards. In became the very first card in the spread and John told me that I was making the right decisions. Another card popped up that was indicating my doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, but the fact that the first card was so prevalent and the Judgment card also appeared, he said it was a good sign. The reading also indicated a new gift was coming my way and with everything that I am planning to do, that is probably a good thing. I am not sure what it will be, but overall I feel a lot more confident about the direction I am planning on taking.

It definitely isn’t happening in the next year, but things are currently looking like I am taking the right steps in planning for it to happen in the next few years.

Now I am working on doing quick little daily tarot draws to build up my skill there again. I won’t necessarily post them here at all, but I do think I want to post my weekly and monthly pulls again soon. Again, I need more practice and this would be a good place to start. Eventually, I will probably offer some free readings again. It has been quite a while since I have actually offered any.

So, anyway. Just trying to be sure I write something each week too. I am looking forward to a lot of fun time with my friends tomorrow to celebrate our birthdays.

Integrating the Spiritual and Mundane, Goals to Work Toward

I mentioned previously in this post about how I am wanting…no. It is more of a need to be completely honest. There is a need to more fully integrate my spiritual work with my “mundane” work. I cannot do that teaching English Composition. I mean. I can incorporate little things here and there that bring my magic and craft into teaching English, but not the way I need to be doing.

Getting a job at the new age shop would be a start. If they call me back, that is. But I need to do more than just that. With the potential cutbacks I have been hearing about with my teaching job, I need a part time position for sure. But in the long run, I need to take other steps to bring my spiritual/metaphysical life to the forefront.

I have dedicated a little over one-third of my life actively to my spiritual development. It has been more than just to be a better person. I see that a bit more now than I used to. I used to think that I could compartmentalize these areas of my life, the mundane and the metaphysical. But I don’t think that is what I am supposed to do anymore.

A few years ago, I had gotten a reading from a psychic at the new age shop I am currently applying to work. She actually sort of surprised me. While I really do enjoy doing readings and taking psychic development classes, I never have really felt all that confident in my abilities. Maybe that is partially still a remnant of what I went through in college with my first coven and how we were and weren’t encouraged. But this psychic told me that an opportunity would present itself in the coming years to take a step into doing what she does. She actually told me something like, “You should be giving me the reading” or “You could be doing what I am doing.” She had asked me how seriously I was taking my development and that essentially the choice would present itself on whether I would take it to the next level and pursue things further. She had mentioned that when that time came, my choice would be clear.

It definitely made me think. I have occasionally looked into taking classes from a nearby spiritualist camp that offers certifications in various fields of psychic study. Nothing really has come of that though. It is just every now and then that I actually look up things there. But still, the seed was planted then with that reading. Maybe I could do that or at least do readings like that gal had told me I could.  Yet still, I have never really done anything. The choice hadn’t fully presented itself.

If feels like that time has finally come. In some way, little by little, things have come up that made me realize that keeping my spiritual and psychic life separate from my mundane hasn’t been fulfilling enough. It is part of what has been making me feel so stuck. Getting passed up for a full-time position yet again, shadow work, and just general contemplation have all made me start to realize that I want to do something more with my life. I need to integrate both sides of my life. I can be very good at compartmentalizing, but that isn’t working for me anymore.

I can be open about my spiritual stuff with several of my work colleagues, but I can’t truly bring that side of things into my job. I love teaching and I love writing, but I am realizing that writing is not what I should be teaching. I should certainly be writing and I should certainly still be teaching. But teaching writing is not where my path is leading anymore. It is a means to an end now. It is something to give me the chance to build up some stability while working toward a new goal that will allow me to let me spiritual psychic side be more prominent.

I had been thinking recently about my numerology again. My life path/struggle number is 4. Four is a number of stability. My mentor in psychic development describes the life path number as being something we struggle with in this life more than anything. I wouldn’t necessarily say I struggle with finding stability in my life. At least not always (though financially speaking that has been recently more of a struggle). But my struggle is with being complacent in places that are too stable. Unless something shifts the status quo enough, I will sit complacently by and pretend I am satisfied with things, even if I am not.

I have been pretending for a few semesters that I am happy teaching. I get my classes, so I am happy because I get the paycheck to help pay for my car and other things. My shadow work this past year started really showing me how that it is mostly just being complacent in my position. Sure I apply for full-time. Sure I could see myself teaching full-time, more or less. But it is complacency and not actual job satisfaction or happiness.

I need the Storm. I need the Tower to come tumbling down to often realize when I am being too complacent in my life. I have too often let myself compartmentalize when I shouldn’t. I have too often let myself continue down paths that do not stimulate my creativity or challenge me.

That Storm that is coming in my path needs me to no longer keep my mundane and spiritual life separate. That isn’t the balance in my life that I need. I need to integrate them so that they are one. That is the balance I need. That is part of what I have been seeking for the last few years.

Whether or not I get the confirmation signs I asked for, I know deep within that I cannot continue separating out my mundane and spiritual lives like this forever. I do not know for certain if this is what the Morrighan has been pushing me towards all these years or not, but I am making a decision for myself to push toward something that will be more appropriate for my continued soul development. Because I don’t need to know if this is what she wants from me anymore and I don’t necessarily need her permission to pursue it. Always waiting for her direction has gotten me nowhere and I know that isn’t what I was supposed to be doing anyway.

Something that I have wanted to do for years is have my own bookshop. When I was much younger I always imaged a full theme-park style bookstore with different historical eras and stuff. Way impractical, but the child I was back then thought it would have been awesome. The more practical 30-year-old adult I am now is much more inclined to par that bookstore down. But the idea has floated in my head for years, and as I think about ways to integrate my spiritual life into my mundane I am definitely thinking a metaphysical/new age book shop is what I want to work toward. I know it isn’t an easy task and I need a plan. Hell, it may not even be totally viable option in the long run and it will be a risk. The 4 in me isn’t fully a risk taker and is scared at that prospect, but I need to take that risk. I need that challenge.

I can’t keep putting my life on hold for things that might be. Because that is almost what I have been doing for the last few years of my life, putting my life on hold because this or this might happen so why bother trying. They might not. Having goals to work toward help keep hope and faith in this world often times. Sure, setbacks on those goals can cause us to doubt and lose a little faith, but I haven’t had anything real to work for in so long…or really ever honestly. That lack of a true goal has left me feeling stagnant and stuck on my path for so long. More so than I probably ever have admitted. But this new goal, this new potential path, gives me some direction again, some hope. It gives me the challenge I have actually been looking for in my life.

So, I will be making plans and taking steps toward something that I have wanted to do for years. I don’t know how much I will actually talk about those things here on this blog, but maybe periodically. I am looking forward to the potential growth this may offer me. For the first time in a while I am looking forward to something in my life. It isn’t just me going through the motions anymore and I feel like I can breathe again and that I do have that hope again that I have been missing.

Psychic Faire and Gala 6.6

My roommate and I went to a psychic fair and gala yesterday and both got readings. I really wasn’t entirely in a place to get a decent reading because I have been super worried about my cat. But I did get some good information nonetheless.

I was told in the reading that I still need to work on opening my heart up for new love opportunities, which I also take relates to this empathy development thing too that the Morrigan wants me to work on. And while I have been feeling stuck, I am where I need to be in regards to my spiritual path and things will get rolling if I stop worrying about things.

Then during the psychic demonstrations I got two messages from different readers from my joy guide Emma. The first was about dancing which she always tells me to do. In regards to this message, it would help get things moving and help my slough off those worries that are keeping me feeling stagnant about things. And now in retrospect it seems to reflect John’s message about feelings stuck.

The second reading was flower messages and I got a pink carnation and some leafy green thing that flopped around a ton. As he began talking, I knew it was from Emma again. Some of it regarded opening up romantically again (bouncing off John’s reading for me). There was also a comment about cooking which the whole room cracked up about. At that point my blood sugar was getting too low and I can’t fully remember everything he mentioned.

But interestingly enough, I got an email from my coworker about a dating app later that night. I’ve mentioned I’ve though about it to her and she thought of me when she found the app. Maybe that is my sign to go ahead and try it and open myself up to the opportunities.

And while I am in a relationship with a non-corporeal being, Gerarian, I still am open to dating physical people too. The circumstances around his existence make it more or less (not sure which) easy to make that step into being with another person. I just haven’t dated anyone sense my ex-girlfriend. There was some nice fuck up there that made it difficult initially to look at anyone that way, but eventually I knew I wasn’t going to let my relationship with Gerarian prevent me from seeking out a physical partner. But nothing ever came out of any of my crushes (mostly on my account because I don’t make the first move and never really did >.<).

So yeah, maybe it is time. Maybe I’ll get some nice connections on this thing and at least date a few people. We’ll see if they share any of the same interests as me or if I’ll scare them off. But at least it is something. I am opening up to the opportunity.

And I know this didn’t totally relate to spiritual development or practice, it does relate to my personal development and I suppose it is a healing thing too. 🙂

Psychic Development Class and Crystal Meditations 5.16 and Musings on My Reading Style

(This may be a day for several posts)

Psychic Development:

Yesterday, my roommate and I went to our psychic development class. Thank goodness that Grant was not there. He finally moved apparently (he’s been in the process of moving for the past year so I can never be sure he’ll actually be gone).

We circled up again, and without Grant this would probably be okay, but we had five relative newbies in the class. It is always easier when John is out of the room because people are a little less nervous then.

There were a few messages given that class before the big circle and within in it. One new gal tapped into John’s niece stopping in to say hello. Since his mom wasn’t there like she usually is I would take that to mean he needed to tell her when he got home. But, anyway. A couple of the new gals who were family did a really decent job. The other three were still more hesitant and nervous.

We paired up after the large circle and I sat with the teenage girl that came with her mom and aunt. John let us use cards so she went out to get the Spirit Wheel (?) Meditation Deck to work with because she had it at home. I had my own cards and read for her.

While I didn’t get much of a message from her (other than a card mirroring the idea of delegating responsibilities relating to a bitch fest I had with my friends and roommate about our cancelled high school reunion due to poor planning and delegation), I tried to be encouraging and making things more comfortable for her. She was nervous and only a sophomore right now. I was able to give her a message about fostering her joy and happiness (The Sun card) and if she works hard and is focused (8 of Pentacles) then she’ll be able to reach her goals and get to go to the college of her choice in the Sunshine State.

The Musing Part:

I have been trying to do different things in this class to figure out what way is best for me to read. This time I tried to have my guides come forth more (during the circle) to help give a message and identify the source, but it didn’t work as well. Perhaps, it is due to not having worked with them much recently and I need to start working with them all again on a more consistent basis.

So far though, I have noticed when I use my hands to touch theirs (if they are okay with it), I can sometimes get more information to give them a better idea of what is going on. My palm chakras are quite open. It is where I sense my own energy the most, where I can project a great deal of energy as well. They were opened before I did Reiki and I think after that they became even more open. So if I am able to touch my hands to theirs I can generally pick up on a lot more.

I tend to work with colors in readings a lot. It is one of the first things I can see clearly in my mind’s eye. Sometimes words are there. And once I was able to just feel her energy around me to read it. But if I use my hands it is easier for me to get all of that information together rather than trying to just get information from thin air. It may be something I’ll need to do more often to get more consistent in my reading styles.

Crystal Meditation:

This was his first time doing this meditation and it was quite nice to have a change in some of his classes. This one was on Amethyst, one of my favorite crystals. It is really a great multiple purpose stone for me honestly.

He went over the basics of what the crystal is and is used for. We got in a discussion about how the energy works in general if it is a tumbled stone versus a point or a cluster or a raw stone. There was also mention of how to cleanse and everything.

We each got one of the dollar stones as well to sit with in meditation. John had brought a large amethyst cluster that state in the middle to increase the energy as well and then we sat down for the actual meditation.

For whatever reason, this time the energy of the amethyst was a little more intense than I am used to. It was nice while in meditation and not overpowering by any means, but afterwards I felt a little wonky for a while. Part of that was also because I think I needed to eat, but part of it I owe to the meditation. I didn’t ground myself well enough or eat soon enough to counteract how high the vibrations of the amethyst can be. But it was still a great experience. I seriously look forward to the other crystal meditations he’ll be doing.

Psychic Development Class

(Note: I meant to post this last night but I was a slow writer and go distracted easily. So I am posting today, but I am too lazy to change the tense and references to time.)

Now and then my roommate and I manage to make it to our psychic development class. Today was an unintentional stop in to class. This morning we had volunteered to help out with her work’s monthly volunteer opportunity and found ourselves done in plenty of time to head to class.

I love John’s classes quite a lot. Sometimes it seems more like my roommate and I do some teaching along with John with the new people that we get paired with. Other times we get to just do our thing and give and receive messages. He always pairs the class with a meditation beforehand where we can sit and talk to our guides or loved ones.

This meditation I sat and focused on speaking with Cerridwen since I have been working with her recently. The Morrigan was there as well, and I teased her about her attitude the other day. She just rolled her eyes and let me talk to Cerridwen.

Recently, Cerridwen and I have been working on something related to opening up my gifts and abilities more, among other things. I am not entirely sure what all it is as the process is still actually going on and won’t be done until later tonight. Anyway, we talked about that with the Morrigan there and they both made sure to open up my abilities a little more during the meditation before I had to head back to the real world.

The first lady I was paired with I was a little disappointed because at first I got nothing like I usually do. I didn’t hear anything come to mind or see any images or colors or anything else like I usually sense. I didn’t use my hands to feel her energy through her hands though, so I at first contributed it to that. The only thing I really got was something with apples, and more specifically crabapples, but I figured that had to do with the fact that my roommate and I were talking about them before class because of a little ritual/celebration tonight that we are doing.

However, the lady went ahead and gave me her reading that she saw a lot of water around me. She said she saw me on water skis actually and headed really fast to a ski jump. She saw excitement and that I was right where I am supposed to be and headed in the right direction. She also told me to enjoy the ride, basically.

At that point I tried again to give her a reading. This time it was strange. Again, instead of images or words, I got a feeling. My clairsentience is not the most developed. I sense very little that way unless it is through the hands and even then it is to feel the energy which then translates into the other information I get. That is why initially I was not paying attention to the information I probably got that way to begin with.

I felt energy around me in a different. It was centered closer to my feet and lower body, swirling around and around like a vortex of energy or a tornado, but not nearly as strong or crazy. I told her what I felt and began going with it. I told her I saw there was a beginning of more of an opening in her lower chakras and as I focused closer, the feeling was moving up my body, so I told her the process was continuing up and up. She was getting closer to opening up. The energy wasn’t chaotic and overwhelming, but gentle and calm. It was also warm, not hot or cold. And while there was a fan blowing on me what I felt was not the cool air it was pushing out not the one directional flow either.

She confirmed that her life had been very chaotic for her recently like a tornado. She had been asking her guides to slow things down for her. It seemed very likely that things were about to calm down for her. And when I told her about the warmth she told me I was sensing one of her guides.

It was good confirmation for me that I seemed to get something for her that made more sense than the random crabapple. I just wasn’t expecting to sense clairsentiently as, again, that is not my primary clair ability.

The second lady I was partnered with I got more from right away in a combination of ways. She, however, needed to hold my hands. I let her give me information first. She told me she saw me surrounded by a bunch of angels (which she later said is what she calls any spirit she senses and doesn’t really discriminate between the types of beings out there). One at least told her that I needed a hug, so she asked and I let her give me a couple big hugs. She felt like I didn’t get that enough and I needed it more. She said they were telling me I need to be told I’m special more and other things along those lines. Basically they wanted to ensure that I knew I was loved by them the sappy idiots.

When she was done I ended up telling her that I felt spikes coming from my arms in regards to her. I also heard the word Carolinas or a Caroline. She’s from my home state here as well so has no affiliation with the Carolinas, but I did ask if she was going on a trip soon. She said she was and was going to Atlanta soon. I preceded to tell her I also saw the ocean and the beach. In particular I saw feet in the sand with the water washing up over the feet. That in turn had made me think of sea urchins with the spikes. I felt like she was closing herself off sometimes, for good or ill, I wasn’t sure. Then the sand and water made me think of her need to meld her water and earth energies together more. I then asked her what her sign was and she is a Capricorn, which while being an earth sign is also shown as a “goat-fish” creature, which to me can be quite a blending of the water and earth elements, though not entirely. I just felt for her she needed to bring forth her love of nature and whatever else with her water tendencies. At that point we got on a discussion about her job as a nurse and how she often has to shut herself off from others so she isn’t always dealing with their crap but she also has to let some amount in to help treat.

That reading provided more information which seemed to give a more in depth reading, but I think the first reading also yielded some good results. While I have been going to the class for the past few years now I still keep learning new things and I am continuing developing the way I receive and give psychic information. Some days it can be quite surprising.