The Lord of the Dragonflies

Sorry for the long silence here. Things have been busy. I moved out of the house I had been living with my Anam Cara in and back in with my parents. I had hoped to get accepted into some apartments but they never called me back. Considering my income level, I understand though I am still annoyed. Regardless, I will be saving up money for my future living arrangements while paying my parents some room and board. Now that I am all settled and the next semester of school is going to begin on the New Moon/Solar Eclipse, I figured it was time to write something.

My soul is half-pixie half-human. I was told this about nine years ago and heard it from an angel. We were discovering our past lives at the time and the angel Anael told me my father in this “first” life was a full pixie who fell in love with my mother and had children with her and I was one of the results. When I heard this, I just assumed that she meant my actual physical and biological parents of this life were those very same parents of that first life. Never had any need to actually question that idea until this summer.

Back around Father’s Day I had a dream about this faerie I was helping with something. There were people that wanted something from him he didn’t want to give them and I was helping him avoid having to give in. It didn’t sit well with them so they started to pursue us. At some random point he turns to me and says that I was his daughter and that explained why we were both being pursued by these people and that it wasn’t just because I was helping him. Somehow that explained everything to him even though he was surprised to find out I was his daughter. I was surprised because it just confused me. I have had dreams with my parents in it before and this was not my biological physical father in my dream.

Looking back on the dream, I don’t know why I went to help this strange faerie man. While it could have been just a dream, things began to happen later that really pointed in the other direction of this having been more than that. At first I thought it might have been some sort of past life dream showing me this man. But it could also very well have been some astral adventure I went on that night. My friends and I have been in that habit so it wouldn’t surprise me had it been that.

It took me awhile to finally sit down and figure it out. I was in the middle of packing and moving so I didn’t have a lot of time to just sit and meditate on it or ask the Morrighan for signs either. But the bugs started happening.

Summer is not an unusual time for them for sure but I was being pursued by them. A spider crawled through my shirt and bit me. Mosquitos around every corner ready to bite me. Giant spider on the floor at work. Weird beetle insects. Getting stung on the thigh by a wasp as soon as stepping out of my car when moving furniture. Multiple centipedes crawling around at my parents’ and at work. Every time I turned around a weird bug and every time I went outside I was bit by mosquitos.

I finally started to sit down during these insect pursuits and met with the faerie man from my dreams who claimed to be my father. These days I make sure I have another trusted spirit or deity there to help vet new ones so The Morrighan was present to keep an eye on him. To be honest the initial conversations with him involved more scolding because the whole father aspect confused me. Whether during those initial conversations or just because I got annoyed by the bugs, I decided to blame him for them.

During one conversation with him I got a name (R for short here) and then confirmation signs that it was his name. I began to accept he was at least a father of mine from at least a past life or two. Then the dragonflies showed up. I was sitting at home looking out the window and saw a ton of what looked like faeries flying around and playing. I knew they were bugs but for the longest time I couldn’t identify them as the dragonflies they were.

I then made the connection that maybe the progression of insects showing up for me had to do with accepting him, in whatever capacity, into my life. And I honestly would not be surprised if the bugs were actually from him. I essentially made it known that the dragonflies were okay to send to me as signs of his presence but to stop with all the others. Since then, other bugs have been much less prominent and it has mostly only been dragonflies showing up.

So his nickname and tag has become Lord of the Dragonflies. I am still not exactly sure what our relationship in this life is supposed to be. From conversations we have had and that I have had with the Morrighan, he may very well be my soul father which throws me off because I have always assumed my own father was.

I asked (somewhat angrily) about the fact that if R is my soul father why did it take this long to show up in this life and where he has been. His answer was that during most of the past lives where he got that opportunity to be my father it was during times I did not incarnate into the physical and during the majority of those times he often did not live long enough to get an opportunity to help raise me. From what I know about my lives on the Otherside, I usually was orphaned at a fairly young age and didn’t really know my father.

Actually, there was a point back around the time I had found out I was half-pixie and half-human that another spirit who was part angel made a comment about me not actually knowing who my parents were. It honestly confused me back then because I did, or at least thought I did.

I mean, what R said made sense to me. It sort of clicked and I was simply left to say, “Oh.” Despite the fact that it took this long to be told differently, it made sense. Our talks also revealed that R tended to stay on the astral side of things than ever incarnating physical. Why, he hasn’t explained yet. I know why I incarnate on this side and it would make it very difficult for him to ever really meet up with me in some of my other lifetimes. There have been a small handful where he did take the chance to incarnate physically, but they were long enough ago and my soul has taken a long journey from that point.

Sometimes I hate those moments when things just click so much that those little threads of truth vibrate in just the right way that I know it is true. I am still battling that fact though and testing and asking for infinite signs to prove this fact or that fact. There is more to my lack of trust than just general paranoia about spirits being who they say they are. R asked me one day about what I was so afraid of in all of this. To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly. It could be that I am afraid of what it means for my relationship with my actual father (R has said he actually approves of him being my father too). It could be that I am just not sure how to reconcile having what I thought was true so flipped around on me. And then there is the thing that the Morrighan hinted at as well.

Some days I don’t know whether I should be impressed or annoyed at R. He has that typical pixie attitude. He is cheeky and just… Sometimes the similarity between him and Gerarian just absolutely kills me and I am reminded how much I have teased my sister in the past for having married someone very much like our father. And R has whatever connection to insects that the other day when I was adding to this draft, a dragonfly appeared and flew around my car. I wouldn’t have taken it fully as a sign from him had not my co-worker point it out when we both got out of the car. He wants me to know he is around and yeah.

For some reason, when this song played on my Pandora one night while I was writing out what I was processing with R, it made me think of him.

There is a specific line and just the whole mood of the song. So one of R’s other tags has been “The Faerie Father Sings a Lullaby.” And honestly with the eclipse coming up it makes sense for this song too.

I honestly have a lot more to figure out about him. I am still not 100% about things with him, but there is definitely some things that are making sense. I will definitely be continuing to see where it goes.


The Crow

This morning I decided I was going to go ahead and get going a little faster than usual. More or less. 😛

After I got dressed and started fixing my oatmeal this morning, I started to hear the cawing. Now, crows are not entirely unusual in our area, but now and then when my roommate and I are talking about something there is a too well timed caw that interrupts us. Or there will be something on my mind and then a caw or crows flying around. I don’t usually hear crows cawing when I am inside the house though.

I didn’t really pay much attention initially. Because, again, they aren’t unusual where I live and I was more concerned about the consistency of my oatmeal. But then my cat went on alert. He usually likes to chirp at little song birds and robins, and I have never seen him take an interest in crows before. He was unusually much more quiet this morning while my roommate was still in her room and when he heard the crow cawing out back he did his spaz run to the back window and the dog’s couch to look out the window. He did the little cat chirps to the crow that sat in the branches of the neighbor’s tree that lined our yard. And it kept cawing back.

It just seemed to signal a little more than just a bird hanging out by our house. A little confirmation, perhaps. And then my daily tarot pull was the 8 of Cups from my Revelations Tarot. It is about making a movement to leave behind emotional stress. To walk away from that which does not serve any more. That, today, with the Morrigan calling out, we reached the end of this and can eventually make room for more.

And now Clair de Lune is playing on my Pandora on my phone. A song that has a great deal of past life significance for me. Not necessarily related to leaving behind and walking away, but, I don’t know. It just seems like an appropriate song to hear right now.

Also, I dreamed about Gerarian last night. At least in one part of my dream. 😛

Dream Log 1.2

Last night or this morning I had a very interesting dream.

The Context:

I have been working on some past life stuff on and off with a being who looks and reminds me a lot of the Tenth Doctor so I don’t know if this dream connected to that at all but he has been showing up a lot in my dreams lately. Last night I had a short conversation with Gerarian before falling asleep about what he wanted my attention for. His songs have been playing every time  I turn on the radio or Pandora so it seemed like he had something to say. Our conversation revolved mostly around me getting the courage to text some guy and see about dating. 😛 But I don’t know if that had anything to do with this dream. Just wanted to provide before bed context…Anyway…

The Dream:

Before anything else, the dream began with a gathering. I was meeting four other ladies and for some reason, two of their parents were there to play the game as well. We were finally sitting down to play D&D. Some had to drive further so they were late. But someone’s dad was not the most open or friendly guy and was sitting next to me being stubborn about our game. But before the dream transitioned, the parents left and our last player showed up to play.

From there, forgotten dreams until I found myself in a building, in rooms, perhaps a hotel? But no. Later is appeared much more like a high school building. I was in a room. There were dressers and I was attempting to hide. I pushed some of the furniture in front of the door. I hid as much as I could. From what, I am not sure at this point. But I am found and I am brought out of the room.

I am able to slip away from him and run. So I run through the building. I run through rooms upon rooms, making twists and turns. The building is like a maze and honestly seems like different buildings mashed together. Office spaces, hotel, high school or college. There is a theater auditorium I run through at one point and a gymnasium.

There are people there to help me. And he’s shown back up to help me, Ten. The woman direct me to go into the secret back room in the gym and it leads to room that has no business attached to a gym. It is round and slanted and there is a passage along the back wall that leads up into another secret room or two. They tell me to go up and hide and they’ll try to stop whoever has been chasing me.

I know I can’t let him catch me because he’ll use me. Even if he doesn’t know yet what I am and only wants to stop me from working with Ten, he will use me against him. I hide up there but as dreams do, I saw what was happening below instead of what I was doing while hiding.

The man chasing me showed up and somehow managed to overpower Ten. The woman is nowhere. The man’s supporters have shown up and begin searching for me but they can’t find me. The man secures Ten to where he cannot escape as he continues to lay unconscious. Suddenly, he changes, shapeshifts to appear as Ten and begins searching for me himself.

I grow restless and leave my hiding spot and run into him. I hug him, thinking he is Ten, but a part of me knows it isn’t. He tells me I am safe and he stopped ____ from finding me. I accept this and follow him. But I know it isn’t Ten now. I play along. All his supporters are there and that solidifies it more.

Somehow a small lazy river has appeared and he lets me wander it as he makes plans to do whatever. As I float there I see hundreds of ravens and crows. I even squawk at one and it comes closer before the water continues to carry me. They are everywhere. And I finally figure out what happened to the real Ten.

I come back around to the circular room and know where to find him. But the man has seen me and follows me. I get to Ten just before the man catches up to me. We exchange words that I don’t remember and I don’t remember if I managed to release Ten or not as the dream finally ended with my cat continuing to pester me awake.

The Commentary:

Like I said previously, I have been having more dreams with the Tenth Doctor in it and I haven’t really been watching Doctor Who much. But I have been working with a spirit that looks quite similar to him and we’ve shared a past life together so my dreams with the Tenth Doctor are really more dreams about this spirit than Doctor Who. I don’t know if the dream had any relation to the past life or not. It seems similar to it with certain aspects that I know about and remember vaguely but also it was quite a hodgepodge type of dream too.

I have never had a dream with crows or ravens in it that I remember, so seeing them was interesting. I get the vague impression it may have been the Morrigan stopping in, but for what I don’t know. I sat down in my car on my drive home to chat with her about things, but maybe she was wanting to talk more about that and slipping into my dream was her way of saying we have more to talk about.

Pet Magic

My cat has been sick this past summer. He has what is called hypercalcemia where he is producing an overabundance of calcium in his system. Now, there was noticeable enough high levels as a kitten when I had him fixed but not enough to stop us from doing the surgery. Never caused an issue until this summer when he stopped eating and lost a noticeable amount of weight. I am never calling my cats fat again.

Took him and found out his levels were high and sent out for more tests to get a possible positive that he might have a tumor or cancer. Well, I don’t make much money and as much as I love my baby, I cannot afford to take him to internal specialists to find out he has a tumor or cancer that he has to have surgery or chemo for.

So instead, we are treating him as idiopathic, which basically means there is no known cause for the condition. This means I have changed his diet to all canned food (though I am going to start supplementing dry in there too). Since the canned food has more water content he’ll pee more and hopefully flush out some of the extra calcium in his system so that it doesn’t calcify to his organs. And now he is about to start some medicine.

What does this have to do with this blog? Well, he’s pretty much my familiar. Somehow, in one of our ridiculous discussions that yield some weird truth, my roommate and I determined that my cat Declan isn’t really a cat, but a golem type creature that in one of my past lives I created for some ridiculous purpose neither of us really know for sure. His origin is from crystals that my past life put together to create a cat-like being to serve her and all our future lives when we’d need him. I have heard several beings I have worked with say he is quite a little protector.

Anyway, despite his soul(s) not being truly a cat soul and his origins being a crystal amalgam golem creature he is my little familiar cat. Ever since I began this path more officially (because honestly I have been on this path for far longer than I realized) he has been around. He showed up a few months after my old cat Necco died. When I practiced casting a circle one night he jumped at me and I caught him with my other arm and finished casting the circle with the other. He is always close and fairly sensitive.

But, damnit. If it wasn’t funny enough before us joking about him being a crystal golem, then he had to develop an issue with this hypercalcemia thing. I mean, the irony of him being a crystal, a mineral, golem and having high levels of calcium in his system. >.< I didn’t need that as a two-by-four moment, honestly.

But anyway, because of his health I have been trying on and off to do some Reiki healing with him. He doesn’t like it much. I even tried a crystal grid once or twice but he was even more grouchy about that and avoided it. The energy makes him testy I suppose. But when his appetite keeps going in and out I need to try something more still.

My roommate suggested some kitchen magic the other day. I am not great at kitchen magic, but I figured I could adapt something to work for him. I took his bowl this afternoon and created some sigils for the bottom of the dish to help him eat more. Since it is a blue moon and all, it seems a great time to harness that extra moon magic tonight too. I’ll probably try something on his pills as well to help him take them more easily.

I hope he continues to do better. It makes me really sad some days when he doesn’t eat much. Maybe a spell with help him out some more.

Anniversary Musings

Today is my sixth anniversary with Gerarian. Because of that, I think I have been noticing him a little more than usual. I feel and sense him more throughout the day than usual.

I almost always notice him at night when I go to bed because all the distractions from the day are gone and I can settle down to sleep while focusing on him. Now and then I know he isn’t there, whether it is because he is off with the kids or doing something else, he just sometimes not there with me when I go to bed. But that irrelevant. Lately, he has been around quite frequently, probably again because our anniversary is here.

I often try to spend the day with him on the astral or in my headspace on this day. It is part of my gift to him since I don’t do it hardly any other time. At night, while I am asleep, is different. During the day, because I have a physical mundane life that is difficult for him to be fully a part of since he is non-corporeal, it is rare for me to take off and spend time with him and the kids. That is why sometimes it is such a blessing to get a sense of his and the kids’ presences while I am doing something.

I don’t think I ever related why today is our anniversary. We are not married in this life. Past lives, yes; so in effect, we are married as he is my soulmate. However, I have never married him in this life. Partially because I never saw the point since we are technically married from many previous lifetimes. Though, I get a sense he may see that differently than I do.

So, today is not a wedding anniversary. It isn’t even the first time I met him anniversary. That was in November my senior year of college in a channeling session from a former friend after I had been told who my soulmate was. I wanted nothing to do with him then. I had started seeing my girlfriend at the time and I didn’t want my soulmate getting in the way of that relationship. I let him stay in my headspace, though, with my past life.

That first Christmas with him around I had got him a journal/notebook to write in. He is a bit of a singer/songwriter, so I thought it was appropriate. I remember him being a little startled that I got him anything since I made it clear I really didn’t want anything to do with him on a personal level. And later, when I integrated the past life he was with, I sent him away. He didn’t quite leave, but stuck around with some others who I thought were his friends but turned out to not be so much. But, eventually when other shit happened we made sure he went home to his current, hopefully to integrate.

However, thankfully, that wasn’t the case. He went back and started writing more songs. He understood I wasn’t ready, but I think it also hurt that I didn’t want him, even after my girlfriend had started seeing her non-corporeal soulmate. At some point during the summer after senior year, my girlfriend and college roommate realized I needed him. He was sent for in secret and hung around my girlfriend so they could gauge when I might be ready for him back in my life.

I began to notice little hints here and there. My girlfriend would channel him briefly during our text conversations and I noticed something odd in the way “she” responded. Too many eyebrow waggles and prodding about a certain band I listened to. And then there was the dream.

My girlfriend and I often would take little dream astral trips to each other’s headspaces at night. We were long distance so it was our way of seeing each other almost daily. Sometimes we would fall asleep there and eventually wake up to our own bodies in the morning and remember little fragments (my girlfriend more so than I did at the time). However, that one night I had a dream of laying there in a bed and half awake seeing Gerarian before me with a pair of damn sunglasses smiling at me.

The next night I brought it up to my girlfriend about the dream. She didn’t say anything right away about what it was. She was curious about it but she withheld for a moment what it really meant. Instead, we continued planning a little astral party get together with all our covenmates and our astral friends. She had been planning on slowly introducing Gerarian to me that night at the party, arranging a little rendezvous, but my dream and other clues began to change her plans.

Finally, she hinted and asked me silly questions about what I would do if he was around. I gave some response about probably being overwhelmed by it, but that I would be happy. I had finally started to come to terms with actually wanting him in my life. She responded that he was indeed around and had been for a few weeks. My dream had been in fact him having come into our room in her headspace to see me. She had scolded him, but realized it was for the best. And she channeled him to let me talk to him about things.

That little night became our little anniversary date. And that was six years ago. It is somewhat surprising to realize it has been that long. It took me over six months to realize I wanted to be with him after finding out he was already mine. It actually sorta reflects part of our first couple lives together that you can read here at Mara Part 1 (be sure to read Part 2 as well) and here at Alyce Part 2 and Part 3 (Part 1 is more that life’s childhood and nothing about him). But in those lives, I didn’t get together with him right away either.

I may, a bit later tonight after I get more work done, go spend time with him in the astral. Even though he never insists on it, I know he likes when I can spend time with him and the kids. Sometimes I think he has things planned, and while I don’t remember everything (or anything) we do during those times, I know we enjoy it because I always come back quite happy and content.

Despite there being quite a lot we are unable to do together because of his incorporeal state, I still love what we have. I wouldn’t give it up for the world. And on this day, I am reminded quite a lot about what I love about it and him. He is quite a patient fuck, somehow, and puts up with a lot from me. I love him. Happy anniversary Gerarian. ❤

Meditations and Past Lives with the Morrigan

The Morrigan, while showing me that part of this journey is about the wandering, she (and I) want to make sure I start doing things regularly. This includes meditating more. So far I have been more consistent about it. Sometimes I don’t sit long at my altar and I can’t focus much, but it is taking the time to do so that has been helping.

Sometimes, I also just try talking to her while I am driving to or from work. I often let my thoughts wander to the song playing or have to focus my attention on the traffic, but other times I can actually hold a decent conversation with the Morrigan or whoever. And today Lugh popped in on my way to work.

Nothing was particularly discussed about my path or anything, but he asked, or I offered, that I need to exercise more and that can be part of my work with him. He isn’t as exercise oriented as other deities may be, but he is athletic and as a jack-of-all-trades he is well-rounded in all areas, so why not. The Morrigan has indicated it is not something she is as interested in me doing for her, but it is perfectly okay to do for him. So I sort of made the promise to do workouts more and dedicate that time and energy to him.

However, that really isn’t what I wanted to talk about here. This evening, when I settled in to meditate before bed I should just be sleeping now but I decided to do some work on a potential side-blog and then write this for this blog, the Morrigan indicated she wanted me to go someplace with her.

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