Pathless Wanderings

Lately…honestly it would be more accurate to say that the last few years I have felt this way more frequently than not, but I have been feeling rather pathless as of late. I don’t know where things are heading. I keep wandering along what I think is my path, but I can’t find my way.

I have written before about wandering along this path of mine. I started this blog because I felt stuck and it really doesn’t feel like much has changed. There have been times I moved forward for various reasons. But whether from my lack of dedication to things or it is simply how the cycles have gone, I feel  stuck again…and not for the first time since starting the blog.

The majority of my problem is really my own lack of dedication. Its part of what causes these cycles to continue. I am never making permanent changes in my life because I am not sticking with anything I ought to be sticking to. There has been only minuet steps forward over these last two and half years with this blog and I am disappointed in myself. My problem has always been a lack of dedication. There are only certain things I have consistently stuck with over the years and even some of those things it hasn’t been entirely consistent. I let myself get distracted and come up with excuses as to why I don’t do this or that more regularly.

Life happens too and I let myself get consumed by other mundane things. Sometimes those things are necessary. But I know I get in my own way with letting those things consume my time by not planning my time better, binge watching shows, etc. I know I am my own worst enemy in all of this. I don’t listen as much as I should. I ignore the routines I try to establish for myself. I procrastinate and tell myself I can do it tomorrow. I run from the few things I catch glimpses of out of fear of what it will change. I am so set in my bad habits of not doing the things that I never do them and never move forward in the way I should.

This isn’t supposed to sound as self-deprecating as it probably does. My intention is more to acknowledge my own lack of responsibility in my path. My intention has been to figure out something and I do that best by just writing.

Recently, my Anam Cara and another dear friend did dual readings on Tumblr and I managed to get in on their offerings. They wrote it in a story format that was beautifully written. The actual messages struck a few chords with me. The one aspect of the reading was this:

He smiled at you. “My dear, there may be some practical activities and material gain that may help you move forward. Remember to be persistent as that will help find the treasure you’re looking for. Remain grounded as you move forward and stand up tall and strong, though be light on your feet as if you were the air of the earth itself. Think hard and be clever. You have the means to take your first steps into your new path.”

…and the other part was this:

“Round and round the circle goes. It’s never ending since the first angel stood up. Sometimes, that circle no longer can hold, but when does it stop? You must topple it like the tower and strike it with lightning and justice. Then build the circle and start a new cycle that works. We build for the future you and I because the worlds need to live on, so let’s start anew.” He gives you a knowing smile before embracing you, whispering, “It’s time to go silver grey and give them all hell.” He slowly let go of the embrace and letting your hands slip through his.

The first part honestly just reminds me about the fact that I need to take the practical, and consistent, actions I have needed to take for years. I don’t need to continue spending time researching like I have been or pretending I am researching. I need to stop procrastinating on the doing of things. I need to make the time for it I have been avoiding.

The second part was a little more to mull over, but sitting here and partially bemoaning my own lack of commitment (Aquarius over here being bad at commitment) I am ever reminded of the fact that I am the Tower. While my numerology number is a 4 and about building foundations, I am also the Tower and need to destroy the things I have built in my life that do not actually support me on this journey. I need to let the tower of my bad habits tumble down. I can’t progress any further on my personal spiritual path with those towers standing in my life.

There are other towers too that second part refers to. Ones that are beyond just my own path, but those are not the ones that make me personally feel stuck and those are ones that I am not focusing on here. Those have a whole other connotation.

The problem is, though, that I still don’t know exactly what to do. I don’t know where I should refocus my path. I don’t know what pieces to destroy and set permanently aside. There are these little aspects I suspect and think may be it. I consider some of the mundane things I can do in order to make things more clear for me. My mundane life is far more cluttered and impeding to my spiritual journey than I fully admit. But I do not know 100% what needs to go. I need to change so many things. I need to refocus myself. But there is so much that I don’t know where to begin.

There are certain things I am afraid of too. There are these little glimpses on the path that is hovering in the distance that scare me. Some are nowhere near enough to the now in my path to really worry, but I still do. Others are close and I don’t know if it is where I want to go. There are choices before me, options that I have and there are parts of me that are afraid of making the wrong choice. As much as I have split my focus in the past, I know now I need to start narrowing those many focuses down to a much smaller number.

I have been wandering away from the path for months despite the times I ask other readers or the Morrighan herself. I have been avoiding the things I really need to be doing. It is probably why she kept refusing to tell me anything anyway. I wasn’t going to follow through back then anyway. I wasn’t acknowledging I was running from things. I have been wandering away from the path pretending I was on it all along. It has been months, if not the last year or so, of pathless wanderings.

It hasn’t been all for naught though. There have been things gained in this. Shadow work has happened and is still happening even now with this post. There have been revelations and new phases of my relationships with various spirits in my life. But there has been a great deal of faking it too. My favorite teacher has always said “fake it until you make it” in regards to psychic development and it has been a tremendous help. I think a lot of my faking it has been more of a distraction than anything, though.

I don’t know if this will accomplish what it needs to for myself. It seems to be mostly a ramble of blaming myself for making what feels to me little to no progress along my actual path, the path I have been wandering away from for months. I don’t know if this will truly prompt me to head back towards the path I should be walking. I don’t know if this will really get me to destroy the towers that need destroyed in my spiritual life. I don’t know if this will prompt me to figure out what my focused path should be.

I just don’t know.

I am still just wandering along this pathless route.

Advertisements

The Honoring

I love Spring for many reasons, but for some reason it still creates this nostalgic and sad feeling for me. Part of that I have realized in recent years has to do with the things that occurred in Spring around this time. This post here can describe some of those things. This year I think it is wanting to hit even harder because my alma mater where so much occurred is in danger of closing permanently.

March 28th is a special anniversary for me. It was the day everything changed for me in college and that really got me hooked into all this metaphysical and spirit stuff. It is also part of a set of holidays my Anam Cara established for our personal paths and the SPG we have. More information can be found here. It is called The Honoring.

On a personal level, as I have said, it is the day everything changed. The things that happened that night eleven years ago are forever etched in my memory. And the sad nostalgia that wells up at those memories these days is interesting. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes only for the innocence we all had.

I feel like I fell into a rabbit hole recently with some songs that have welled up a tremendous amount of feelings that leave me more sad than happy despite some of the songs being happier. This time of year, this date in general, always gets me this way, but sometimes the songs don’t help. “Have We Lost” by Flyleaf always makes me think and feel so acutely those emotions.

Where have the children gone? We were innocent once, but that was so long ago.

It is not so much the memories, past life and current life ones, themselves that cause the sadness. It is what has been lost, I think. That loss of innocence. Everything changed so significantly back then and we didn’t realize what we were losing in the course of events. Would things be better today had they not happened? Had our memories of past lives never surfaced? Had the weight and responsibility of the coven not been placed upon us? Probably not. Those regrets are not what The Honoring is about.

We have made mistakes, I know.

Mother Superior Adilia, and all the other Mother Superiors throughout the Ages, are who we honor on this day. It was not her way to sit and regret these things we lost. Sacrifice was required for the greater good. For her, the sacrifices were very great. For us, those sacrifices have left us far changed from who we once were. I don’t regret who I have become. I miss the thing I lost, but I cannot reclaim it ever again. I, and many others, made mistakes to get to where we all are today and that is something we can never change.

I want to find that book, dust it off, and read it again. There was hope in the end.

Sometimes I fail quite a lot at keeping hope. Those are the times I know I fail Adilia, her memory, and her legacy. I am not the same pixie I was back in her time and certainly not the same woman I was in 2006 or even 2008. The little losses of innocence and friendships, those sacrifices for the greater good and to our own egos, has broken me sometimes more than I care to admit.

Sometimes I think it is because of the spiritual PTSD from those years that causes these feelings and lack of hope. Other times, it’s just me. I try and sometimes find those ways to hope again. Like my project to start my own bookshop or little breaks away from everything like my vacation or my upcoming astral wedding. But sometimes it is still hard to maintain that hope.

“We are Broken” by Paramore is another song that epitomizes my feelings around this time of the year. Not to mention countless Black Parade album songs. Listening to these songs help me write the stories that must be told from my college days, but sometimes they also make it difficult when the emotions become too heavy.

“‘Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence, and the promise we adored? Give us life again, ’cause we just wanna be whole.”

It has a similar theme, but a much different feel all at the same time. More hopeful, perhaps. Less focused on the past and moving from it at the very least. Adilia was not about looking back and focusing on the past and the regrets therein, but always focused on the future and greater good. Sacrifices are always made in that service, and things can only be restored upon moving forward.

I am writing most of this after another chapter of my memoir from college and senior year and one of the things I said was how I need to write those chapters to fully move on from them. Part of my mood writing this has been influenced by finishing up that chapter and I know it is that moment before I can muster up and go on again. There are so many chapters left to go, but they need to be finished. That will be my promise to Adilia in honor of her memory.

When I Go All Silver Grey

I have been trying to figure out what my tag #when I go all silver grey means for me the last few months that I have been using it. It has taken me awhile, but some things are coming together little by little.

I have always been the Storm,
the Spark.
Lightning runs in my Veins.
As I grow older,
that Lightning comes out
through my hair in Silver strands.
One day, when I go all Silver Grey,
I will return to that Storm.
The Storm that builds around me
and I will be the Lightning that Strikes
the Tower down.
The Waters will carry me on this Journey
across the Otherworlds,
a lone traveler surrounded by
the Life of Ages gone by.
The Beauty of the world will follow
me when I go
and the Threads will pull back together,
the Tapestry finished
with only One to remember its purpose.
When I go all Silver Grey,
will I remember my name?

Reflections on 2016 and the upcoming 2017 year

It has been a little while since last I posted anything. There has been quite a lot that has happened that I am still processing. I am currently trying to get a writing routine established before the year is out so that I can get a head start on some new goals.

Some Tarot…

The Solstice was yesterday and while I didn’t do much for it, I did take the opportunity to go ahead with a couple tarot spreads. The first was a year review spread that goes over things from the past year. The most significant thing I wanted to mention regarding that spread was that in a position that indicates any unfinished business I need to resolve I pulled The Tower card. I have been doing a lot of shadow work heavily these past six months particularly, and that card just really resonates with that to me. Especially after I discussed some things with a spirit companion of mine and she sort of opened my eyes to something I hadn’t considered in my relationships with my spirit lovers (huge bit of my shadow work has been pertaining to relationships and such).

The second spread I did was about what to generally expect from the new year. A general key theme spread and I ended up getting the High Priestess there in regards to that overall theme. Everything else in the spread definitely makes sense and all, but the High Priestess as the key them for the year as a whole seemed significant to mention right now. She returned again in my full month by month yearly spread I do for the upcoming year. Actually, my month by month spread has a lot of Court and Major Arcana coming up for my spiritual life (not surprising honestly). But that spread also gave me The Fool for my overall year. So I have a combination of The Fool and The High Priestess for my themes of next year. Seems like something to look forward to at least.

Some Numerology…

My birthday is pretty close to the start of the New Year (I am an Aquarius January baby) so setting New Year’s goals and resolutions work fairly well at this time. But I figure it may be a good idea to try and relate some of my resolutions or what have you to coincide with numerology.

The Year number for 2016 was a 9; a number of endings. You can look here for more on the year 9. It also talks about personal year numbers, and mine for 2016 was a 6 which relates to relationships and responsibilities and is mentioned a year of adjustment. But next year, 2017, will be a 10/1 year; a year of beginnings. And for my personal year number, it will be a 7 which represents a year of rest and one about learning and inner voyages.

Honestly, next year’s personal year number 7 (even the universal year number of 1) seems to be pretty on par with the tarot readings I have for myself for what next year will be. After this year, hopefully the new beginnings of next year will be good and helpful.

Reflections…

So, while I wont share everything, I figured I would do a little reflection and review over the past year. I took a quick look back at my New Year’s Resolutions post and list (found here) and realized I may not have completed as much as I wished to. I did get through some shadow work finally that I had been putting off forever, so that was a big accomplishment and goal I followed through on. Instead of trimming down my tumblr blog I really just put it on hiatus/inactive about half-way through the year and started a different tumblr to focus on my spirit work and such. I have done some studying of Gaelic Polytheism, but I still need to continue that. I have been doing a lot of work on KonMari and downsizing my closet this past year as well. Recently I did set up a bit of a capsule wardrobe and I plan on continuing that.

While I don’t feel like I can really check off a lot on my goals from the beginning of last year, the shadow work has been pretty pivotal in my spiritual life. While it is not complete and will always been an ongoing process, it has helped in some areas for my spiritual growth. I have some work in a certain area related to that Tower card I mentioned, but I feel that overall that has been one of my biggest accomplishments.

This year has been interesting to say the least. It started out fairly well for the most part with a final close to one chapter of my life in February that left the promise of some downtime. Looking back on old posts from this year there was just a very interesting shift in the middle of the year. Shadow work putting me in a very interesting place I had a lot of difficulty managing and balancing. It helped me grow and develop for sure, but it feels like there were some missed opportunities as well.

And in the midst of this year and my shadow work I had some interesting developments regarding my spirit relationships with Gerarian and The Traveler. Some of those developments are quite recent and I am still not 100% what I think about everything.

So, as a lot of people have said in their own blogs, this year has been something else. Next year I know things will continue. The Morrighan hasn’t said yet, but I know that there will probably be some things for my path she will be directing me on soon. Oh boy, I can’t wait.

Run to You

My heart hurts. I love this song so so much. Right now, in the middle of all my heavy duty shadow work, which is incidentally one of the reasons I have been missing from posting a whole lot here, I found Lacey Sturm’s album Life Screams and this particular song.

All I think about it, every time I listen and in between all the tears, is how much I miss her. I will never stop missing her either, I realize. I used to hope I would. I used to hope I could forget about her. But I know now that I will always love her. And that is okay. I can still move on while still loving her. I just hope she knows that someone out there loves her and will always love her and that she deserves to be happy with whoever and where ever she chooses.

Little Update

Not really sure what I totally want to say here. Sorry, I have been gone for a bit. No excuses really about why I haven’t been posting. I probably won’t attempt to make any promises about keeping up with posting either right now. Just been one of those times I guess.

Anyway, I have been shifting some focus on my path these last couple months on my path. Less deity work and more general spirit work. Definitely still considering myself a polytheist with a Gaelic/Irish focus, though. Just had to shift gears recently and focus elsewhere. Hopefully soon though I can find the right balance between things.

Right now, I am trying to heavily focus on my shadow work. A new spirit in my life is helping as is the Morrigan still. Everything honestly is probably a little jumbled at the moment. I have had to back off my old tumblr and I have had a switch in scenery by starting a new one. There I created a sideblog for my shadow work. 🙂 Which is good.

I don’t think this blog will disappear. There is something in it. Something I still need. And I’ll eventually probably get back to posting a bit more at some point. Same thing with my memoir blog. I need to finish that. That is part of my shadow work. It is something needed too.

I am sort of in a spot right now. I need to take some step backs in certain areas. Refocus again. So yeah. Just wanted to update about things.

My Anniversary with My Phantom Queen

The other night I realized that the anniversary of my devotion to the Morrígan was coming up quicker than I realized. It was yesterday actually. I meant to do something last night, but that never really happened. But despite that and how busy things have been on multiple fronts, I know I needed to say something here.

Overall, I feel there has been an improvement in my life and in my path since I devoted myself to the Morrígan. I have had quite a few periods of the past year where there were major lulls in my personal practice. The wide gaps in some of my blog posting here can attest to that. But I don’t consider those times to be what some would call fallow times, because, in all honesty, it was my own fault in purposefully ignoring different things and focusing elsewhere. My mundane life had been quite busy this past year as well, making it more difficult to focus on the spiritual and metaphysical sides of things.

However, despite that, I still feel there has been a shift in things for myself. While I still feel like I am wondering around in circles at times on this path, I know I am not alone. She is there beside me trying to guide me to where I need to be. I say try because I am stubborn and will willfully ignore Her despite the constant shouts of “Listen!” She is very much like a deity form of Navi in my life right now, and I think even she is amused by our mutual stubbornness with each other and the comparison to a video game fairy. But she is always there when I call to her. Sometimes, well often, scolding me to get back on track with what she asked of me the last time I talked to her. And I’ll roll my eyes and say okay, but not do it.

She has gotten to work with Lugh again. He is much more subtle in the background of what I do compared to the Morrígan, but he is there as well. She has had me do work with Manannán mac Lir as well. She is having me learn more about astral things and the Celtic Otherworlds (and other ones too mind you) with Him. And while I question the necessity of it, She reminds me that if I do the work, I will figure it out eventually.

So yeah. Overall, this past year seems to feel more like I am heading in the right direction. I have picked up studying more about Gaelic Polytheism to understand more about that aspect of things. I have been working well sometimes working on my shadow work that I need to do most of all. And yeah.

While I didn’t do much yesterday to commemorate the anniversary though, I did make sure to reach out and talk to her as I dozed for a bit during a nap. She mostly reiterated to me about the fact that I need to do my shadow work. I have been putting it off for a few years now and have yet to finish well not really finish as it is really an ongoing process it all. Recently I had been doing more work with it, but the Morrígan made it clear that I need to get through some of this stuff before I can move forward in my path – before She will let me know what is next.

Alright Morrígan, I will listen this time, hopefully. So here’s to another year ahead.